Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you
actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must
celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap
her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as
a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in
the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's
just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of
beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's
withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating,
both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken
monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail
each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

 

[green-horn]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed
below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and
beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the a$$ and having the balls to
say, 'You're next fatty!'

 

[heavy d]

How can you tell that this is a male horse ???









Just look at the pr**k on it.

 

[JaySimon]

Whats the difference between a cactus and an H2?


On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

 

[Summitric]

Check for Alzheimer's… Pretty Amazing
The following test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on... Enjoy!

 

[Summitric]

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

[green-horn]

Jack the Newfie




Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack, being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.


But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.


After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant,
but now you are a Catholic."


Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.


There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish."

 

[green-horn]

British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the

entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was

taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's

poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in

particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that

seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat

left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are

also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up

the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat

down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!

This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you

Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong

thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your

cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem

to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

 

[Mud Mum]

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from St. Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

"And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel!"

 

[my mod]

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit
by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a
stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the f-ck would you say?'

 

[my mod]

An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy from Maple Creek, Saskatchewan were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about ten paper towels.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of BC where we were taught to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and washed his hands well and took five paper towels, then commented,
"I graduated from the University of Toronto where we were taught to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up, swished his fingers with some water, took one paper towel and as he was walking out the door said,
"I graduated from the University of Saskatchewan where we were taught not to piss on our hands"

 

[my mod]

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um.... the heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

 

[green-horn]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money,
will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless
woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after
she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[green-horn]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[sledslut]

If you don't laugh
at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!



Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 

[Summitric]

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please enjoy and understand the following


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

 

[green-horn]

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.



He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

 

[green-horn]

Classes for Women
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, DECEMBER 30, 2010


NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Sorry ladies, I thought this was too funny! Had to pass it on!

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours..


Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined..


Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[green-horn]

A man and a woman were dating. Being


of a religious nature, she had held back the


worldly pleasure that he wanted from her


so badly. In fact, he had so far had

never even seen her naked.


One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway,
she remarked about his slow-driving habits. 'I can't
stand it anymore,' she told him. 'Let's play a game.
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit
[60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of
clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off
her blouse. At 70 off came the pants.

At 75 it was her bra...and At 80 her panties. Now
seeing her naked for the first time...and
traveling faster than he ever had before...

He became very excited and lost control
of the car. He veered off the road, went
over an embankment and hit a tree!

The crash threw all her clothes out the window

into a creek beside the tree and her clothes
went rapidly downstream with the fast current.

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

'Go to the road and get help,' he said.

'I don't have anything to cover
myself with!' she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one
of his shoes. 'You'll have to put this between
your legs to cover yourself up down there,' he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road
for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a
naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled
over to hear her story.

'My boyfriend! My boyfriend!' she sobs, 'He's
stuck and I can't pull him out!'

The truck driver looking down at the shoe
between her legs replies, 'Madam, if he's in
that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!'

 

[green-horn]

A blonde was driving on a freeway completely naked and knitting
when a cop comes along and yell at her: "Pullover"
The blonde lowers her window and says:"No, officer, it is a sweater."