Required: Sense of humor

[damtrees]

Reverend Francis Norton woke up one Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out to a golf course about 40 miles away.


Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed: "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"


The Lord sighed, and said: "No, I guess not."


Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked: "Why did you let him do that?"


The Lord smiled and replied: "Who's he going to tell?"

 

[RMK Junky]

PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORYWhen you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

Tiger Woods Jokes

OK, you knew these Tiger Woods Jokes would start coming out. Might as well enjoy them while he’s hot.

- Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
- His wife accused him of having an affair. Tiger said he was just playing a provisional.
- What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
- What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s wedge game and his driving? Woods can back up a wedge shot.
- If you're going to put two balls out of bounds when your wife is keeping score, count on her imposing a four stroke penalty.
- The police asked her how many times did you hit him with the golf club. She replied-three, maybe four--put me down for five.
- Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
- Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.
- Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.
- This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
- Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree, hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "
- Finally Tiger has found an unplayable lie!

 

[arff]

Santa Trouble

 

[RMK Junky]

Deer Camp:d

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, here I am.

 

[RMK Junky]

Birthday present

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note...



Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

 

[RMK Junky]

Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

[teamgreen]

The sound a pig makes...

A teacher in an urban Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFICKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in urban Chicago.

 

[arff]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my licence!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[RMK Junky]

She Was So Blonde....

- At the bottom of an application where it says 'sign here' she wrote "Sagitarius".
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
- She tried to sort M&Ms alphabetically.
- She sold her car for petrol money.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,"airport left" she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, She moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, She'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evenings.


:d

 

[jacksonholebc]

Tiger's count is up to 18 now!

That's right he has a whole golf course now.

His front nine is nice, but you should see his back nine!!!!





And some how I think this course maybe bigger!

 

[Throttle*Queen]

Why do Canadians prefer it doggy style?

..............................

So they can both watch the hockey game!! lol

 

[my mod]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[arff]

Having a bad day....

 

[my mod]

My favorite is the new made-for-TV movie coming from this: “Crouching Tiger; Hidden Hydrant”.








(One just knew it wouldn't be long until this started)


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball ?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards .

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash ,
but he's still below par .

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30am ?
they went clubbing .

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree .
He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron .

Whats the difference between Tiger's wedge and his car ?
At least he can clear a water hazard and a tree with his wedge .

Gillette have dropped Tiger Woods from their advertisements ,
because he admitted that his car crash was truly the closest
shave he's ever had .

 

[clint/KTM/16]

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at 3 ho's

 

[tmix]

good ones!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[my mod]

It was a bad month in sports.

Tiger got nailed with too many women

and

saskatchewan got nailed with too many men

 

[arff]

$ 280,000 Mortgage



For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ....................................... with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

[polarice]

One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like plucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.