Required: Sense of humor

[arff]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space..

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

[arff]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from
him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints. "

DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

 

[teamgreen]

Pastor Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

 

[teamgreen]

Therapy.........20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Radio. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want
Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ' For Smuggling
Diamonds', 'Bribe Payoff',etc...

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation in your emails ever

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, Order a Diet Water.

11. When going through the Drive-through, specify That Your Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. Ask, 'Why Don't Your Poems Rhyme?'

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical
sounds through your computer speakers All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend The
Party They are throwing Because You'll be on a Firecall.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..

 

[my mod]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it
Was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! Are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told mi password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

 

[dooryder]

why is this not a sticky anymore?



A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

 

[Throttle*Queen]

This may have been posted on here before; sry if it was...




ALBERTA Judge makes unprecedented ruling. Another case of truth being stranger than fiction...
EDMONTON, ALBERTA (CP) -A seven-year-old Edmonton boy was at the center of an Edmonton city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Edmonton Oilers, whom the boy and judge both firmly believe are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[NosRX1]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night,
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his
day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?'
he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said,
'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too
high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up,
whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano
player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out
of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give
you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch,
stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink
off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm
learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of
the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your
gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared
some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it
all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt
Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that
gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

 

[polarice]

Queen's Breasts
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

 

[polarice]

Farm Help
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 

[my mod]

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the &*&(&%$ thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

 

[my mod]

SUNDAY CLOTHES



A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a

crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.






'Hello,' said the little boy



'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy..

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'

answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.

Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '








'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,'

replied the little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way

so they decided that they'd walk together.


They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially

flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.


'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,'

said the little girl.


'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'

replied the little boy.


'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull

off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'


'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.

'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'







So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting

their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry

before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .





'You know, I never realized before just how much

difference there really is between a Lutheran and a Catholic!!'

 

[my mod]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on
the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The
Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the
girls are."

 

[AreWeThereYet]

Old pilot

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Itchy Old Lady


One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.


She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin..

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs'



'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.




She said, 'Doctor can you help me???I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cannot be the crabs.'

The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed,

'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs.


'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'

 

[arff]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[polarice]

Country Style
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

 

[polarice]

Two rednecks are hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[RMK Junky]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!" :d

 

[Summiteer]

THE BACON TREE






Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees.................












Ees












Ees












Ees






Ees a ham bush...."