Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

A husband asks his wife:
'How many men have you slept with?'
The wife proudly replies:
'Only you darling, with all the others, I was awake!'

 

[my mod]

When you have an 'I Hate My
Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you
Sometimes have those days]



Try this
Out:

On your way home from work, stop
At your pharmacy
And go to the thermometer
Section and
Purchase a rectal thermometer
Made
By Johnson & Johnson.

Be
Very sure you get this brand.
When you get
Home, lock your doors,
Draw the curtains and
Disconnect the phone
So you will not be
Disturbed.

Change into very comfortable
Clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a
Surface so that it will not become chipped or
Broken.


Now the fun part
Begins.

Take out the literature from the
Box and read it
Carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is
A statement:




"Every Rectal
Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Is personally tested and
Then sanitized."

 

[arff]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

 

[polarice]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was with his mom as she was driving her old beat up car on the Highway. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down she moved over to the side to let the group of cars get ahead. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! It's because you couldn't catch the other cars."

 

[crazy_wheeler]

 

[HONDA310R]

The Bagpiper


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[QMAO]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon


A teacher gave her class of 11-year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'



'That was a fine story, Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the FawK away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'





.......................................................................................................................

 

[polarice]

might want to take the f bomb outa that ....

 

[crazy_wheeler]

The Cardiologist's Funeral





A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted

 

[polarice]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
Economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50
Years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and
Reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early)..

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for
The SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
Program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
Any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ch!t
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always
Prided themselves on the amount of ch!t they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ch!t, please bring this
To the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you
All the ch!t you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas
And oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of
The Tunnel has been turned off.

 

[kenvb]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'



Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

 

[papajake]

buckleys got his slogan when he was getting a BG from the wife TASTES AWFUL BUT IT WORKS

 

[JaySimon]

How do you clean a stripper?

Grab her by the shoulders and shake the frak out of her.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.



As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.



One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."



"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."



"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."



So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.



The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."



God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

 

[roland]

It's Hell to be old

OLD people have problems that you haven't considered yet!

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,"well, doc, its like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, still nothing.
The doctor was shocked!! 'You asked your neighbor?"





The old man replied, ' Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[SHIFTmx]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Newfie Fire Fighter



Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Newfie, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Newfie Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells:

"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"

 

[Crazy8]

Thats bad but it sure is funny.

 

[arff]

Computer Repair Request:



Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture.

Scroll down?

 

[SHIFTmx]

Check out the new lawnmower by Toyota Power Products.
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf_QyFlbA8w[/media]