Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[my mod]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. “I've something to tell you.”

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling you, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

[my mod]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'”

 

[my mod]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin’, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

Newfoundland declares war on USA

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

 

[damtrees]

A newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish.

He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

' Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere licenses. I don't need one.

You must understand, by, dese here is my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Dat's de trut' by. Every night, I take dese fish down to de cove and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey jump right backinto dese

here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de Trut

Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove.

Then he stood and looked out to sea.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the Newf.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the Newfie.



Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on de
mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees.

 

[my mod]

GREAT SEX



A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

 

[RMK Junky]

My neighbors, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." :d

 

[my mod]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

 

[RMK Junky]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."

 

[RMK Junky]

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

 

[my mod]

*TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER*



A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a
Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The
little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the
world, it's called turpentine.'


The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'


The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub
it on a cat's ---, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

 

[my mod]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.


He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car Were they trying to steal it?


'Heavens no, we bought it.'


'Then why don't you drive it away.'


We can't drive.'


Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

 

[RMK Junky]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in themail.
The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behindthe counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "InsufficientFunds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higherthan GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truck load of Americans was caught sneaking intoMexico .
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


:d

 

[my mod]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[my mod]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?

'Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you F..king idiot.'

 

[polarice]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a cabinet minister from Ottawa, says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.....

Now give me back my dog.

 

[RMK Junky]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home..
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." :d

 

[country_shorty88]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die.

True to his word, he made the first contact, ' Jan,
Jan.....':

'Is that you, Dick?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have
sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple
of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me, I'm eating
lots of greens), another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some
much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again.'

'Oh, Dick, you surely must be in heaven!'

'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Arizona.

:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d

 

[blastoff]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Must be a newfie.