Required: Sense of humor

[RMK Junky]

Diary

DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.


DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARY: DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

 

[RMK Junky]

Old lady

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

 

[RMK Junky]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'



She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

 

[my mod]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .





'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"how's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzel. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are does?" Asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" Replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

 

[damtrees]

A lion in the Edmonton Zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said: "That's a docile old thing, isn't it?"


"No way," said the zookeeper: "It's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why, just an hour ago, it dragged a flames fan into the cage and completely devoured him."


"That’s incredible" said the astonished visitor: "but why is it laying there licking its butt?"


"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

 

[snowzombie]

His & Hers Diaries - A Canadian Story

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

________________________________________


:d :d

 

[AreWeThereYet]

What's the difference between a vacuum and the Edmonton Oilers?

You can turn the suck off on a vacuum

 

[crazy_wheeler]

What's the difference between a vacuum and the Edmonton Oilers?

You can turn the suck off on a vacuum

Yeah...Yeah......And a triangle has more points than the Maple Leafs

 

[QMAO]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies,
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
__________________

 

[my mod]

A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

 

[my mod]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,what causes arthritis?"


The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

*MORAL: *
*Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.*

 

[SHIFTmx]

Summer Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, July 20, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer: How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy: Putting the Toilet Seat Down or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?Group Debate
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks

Class 5
Curling Irons: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

Class 8
They Make Medicine for PMS -- USE IT!Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!
Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
How to Parallel Park in Less Than 20 Minutes without an Insurance Claim
Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes without Throwing Passengers through the WindshieldTuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy
Remembering To Take a List to The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item NeededCerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used
Live Demonstration
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[f150truck]

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense ,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons
as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children. It declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an
aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student
became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend
yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue
you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common
Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It
Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.

 

[my mod]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
Twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
Revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell
To the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
Composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came
Over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen
Again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

 

[my mod]

Divorce VS Murder

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

[my mod]

The Baptist Newfie

A Newfie walks into a Toronto bar and orders three mugs of Moosehead.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the Newfie, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Newfie replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Come by
Chance and the other's in Cornerbrook. Before I left home, we promised each other that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together.

So I'm drinkin' one beer for each of my brothers and one for meself." The

bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it at that.

The Newfie becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The Newfie looks quite puzzled for a moment, but then a light dawns in
his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that me wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinkin'." Hasn't affected me brothers though."

 

[my mod]

London Met Police Job Interview...



A policeman seeking to join the London Met's Firearms Department, is being interviewed.

The Commander doing the interview says: "Your qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a loaded service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go and shoot twenty illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, sixty Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.

"Why the rabbit?" asks the policeman.

"Great attitude", says the Commander. "When can you start?"

 

[my mod]

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new


Holden Calais


Doing 110 kms per hr


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Mobile phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the darn phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an

Important call.


bloody women drivers!!

 

[my mod]

Only the Irish



Paddy Murphy staggers into a Belfast pub looking like he has just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ch!t, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast - and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."