Required: Sense of humor

[Iron Horse Racing]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were on a camping trip.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
Kemosebe, look towards sky. What you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ch!t. Someone stole our tent.'

 

[teamgreen]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[stripe]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

hahaha lol good one

 

[QMAO]

Can cold water clean dishs?

John went to go visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded area in saskatchewan.
After a great evening of chatting the night away. johns grandfather decided to make bacon eggs and toast.
However John noticed a film like substance on his plate and asked " Are these plates clean?"
His Grandfather replied " there as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal sonny!"
For lunch Johns grandfather made hamburgers. Again john was concerned about his plate it looked like it had dried egg on the edge and he asked " are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said " I told you before that is as clean as cold water can get them. now dont fret, I dont want to hear another word about it!"
Later that day John was on his way to a nearby town as he was leaving, his grandfathers dog growled and wouldnt let him pass.
John Yelled and said, " Grandfather your dog wont let me get to my vehicle!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his Grandfather shouted "Coldwater go lay down now, yah hear me.

 

[AreWeThereYet]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered the question for a moment and then told this story...

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and he couldn't shoot the animal. So, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

 

[RMK Junky]

What do you get when you mix Ex-Lax and Viagra?

TOTAL CONFUSION

You don't know if you're cumming or going....

 

[SHIFTmx]

Why do single men live longer than married men?

THEY WANT TO!




Why do women fake orgasums?

THEY THINK WE CARE.


(Just jokes)

 

[johndeereman346]

Why do women fake orgasums?

THEY THINK WE CARE.


(Just jokes)

How long does it take a woman to orgasm......................who cares...

 

[JaySimon]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 73?

Your Honour.

 

[magnet]

So an older fellow goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled out. The dentist comes in with the big needle. The old guy says no can't take that allergic. So the dentist goes back into the room and comes back with his mask on and says I'll give yo some ether then. No sorry allergic th that to. So once again the doctor goes into the back room and comes back with a little pil. What's that the old guy asks. The dentist replies it's Viagra. What's that for the old guy asks. To wich the dentist replies " It's so that you have something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth"

 

[RETODD]

American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuwkin' boat."

 

[eattheweak]

so three nuns die in a car accendent and show up at the gates
the first nun walks up to St Peter
he says you have been a good nun I'm going to ask you a easy question
'who was the first woman on earth'
the nun goies that's easy it was 'Eve'
LIGHTS GO ON BELLS RING and she walks right in

the second nun goes up
'you have also been a good nun' ' who was the first man on earth?'
the nun goes that's easy it was 'Adam'
LIGHTS GO ON BELLS RING and she walks right in

the last nun walks up
'you have not been a good nun!!
What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?????

She stands there, scraches her head,
puzzed she says "gee that's a hard one"

LIGHTS GO ON BELLS RING and she walks right in

 

[SHIFTmx]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts tossing them
in the air, and then catching them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

 

[rsw]

A Blonde goes to the cleaners and drops off a blouse. As she leaves the woman behind the counter says "Come Again"... The Blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time! Nosey witch!!!!

 

[damtrees]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up.


Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined, no matter how the body shop might try to fix it.


When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.


"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."


"How can you say such a thing?", asked the lawyer.


The cop replied: "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."


"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

 

[damtrees]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.


"What's up?" he asks.


"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.


He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"


The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.


"You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

 

[damtrees]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio if she could join them.


Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."


With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.


The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."


After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.


The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."


The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.


When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.


The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."


The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."


The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

 

[polarice]

Perfect Eyesight
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

[Ryano]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



I'm just passing this thought along .....

Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's (male or female) butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day.

 

[Ryano]

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and found a

nice hotel iin San Antonio for their wedding night.

The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and

we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'