Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

'The barber'

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favor. "Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?"
The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said, "Your house."

 

[RMK Junky]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

 

[RMK Junky]

10 time divorce

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom.

'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me..
'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
God I miss him.
'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
To which she replied,
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . ..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

 

[RMK Junky]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

 

[RMK Junky]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

 

[my mod]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

[my mod]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football helmet. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks
the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your helmet and
football, let's go outside and have a game of football.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that ch!t again. You're in my closet now.'

 

[my mod]

It was once said by someone, probably a member of the Klu Klux Klan:
"A black man would be president when pigs flew."


Well behold, 100 days into Obama's presidency:



"Swine Flu!"

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby would that make us related"?

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even".

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
Slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
Business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
Coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
Counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
Restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
Then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
Coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
And walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
Never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
You a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with Revenue Canada ..'

 

[RMK Junky]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a ch!t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

 

[RMK Junky]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work..
Play golf.

 

[RMK Junky]

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

 

[my mod]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a
block away.


She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,

but she could wait until it was returned.



Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient,

she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.



Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank,

two Baptists watched from across the street.


One of them turned to the other and said,


'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

 

[my mod]

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'


Most Old timers are helpful like that

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.


'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:




I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.




That's 96 miles each day.


Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper


Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.


There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.


That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.


Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.


Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!


In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.


That's 642.


According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.


That's 449.


According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide.


That's 98.


And 34% describe men as their biggest problem...


That's 33..


According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.


That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Give her the finger?


I don't think so.

 

[my mod]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good bye.

T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 

[my mod]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say no, they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag".

 

[my mod]

In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country
from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and
they too, died.

A lone white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew
into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to
know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire
and only the white couple lived..?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

 

[RMK Junky]

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1 Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!