Required: Sense of humor

[Iron Horse Racing]

Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every FOUR hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Islandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

[sledbunny]

This one might be hard to read. But it is a good one.:d

 

[sledderdoc]

For us old guys that is too hard to read SB.
But here is one I heard not too long ago,

This guy meets this hot chick in the bar and they get to talking! After awhile she says " you must be a dentist!"
he says " your right I am, how did you know?"
she says " I noticed you wash your hands a lot!"

well one thing leads to another and eventually they end up back at her place and they get it on and after she says " you must be a really good dentist!"
and he says " why would you say that?" and she replies "cause I didn't feel a thing!"

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ch!t?

 

[polarice]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.

 

[my mod]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me
................An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. Itwas obvious she was a little irritated . . ..
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

 

[my mod]

The Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

 

[sledderdoc]

The Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!! :d

 

[crazy_wheeler]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:





1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'





2. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'





3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'





4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'





5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'





6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:





1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'





2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'





3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

(my personal favorite





4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'





5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)





6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

 

[Qwadder]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says;

"F**k off, you won't bring it back."

 

[my mod]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips,

falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow'.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive ch!t

 

[my mod]

Subject: Holy Water



Holy Water




A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched
the head of one with the tip of my finger.'

St. Peter says,' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in
the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once
I fondled and stroked one. ' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front, St. Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush ?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy Water, I want to do it before Bernadette sticks her ass in it.'

 

[my mod]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,

looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:




'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'




The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.




The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,

the best I ever had!'




The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.




The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says.....................





'Grandpa;....... Go home!

 

[my mod]

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to?
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from
Grandma!"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.



She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed
examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'



I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

 

[my mod]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.



She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"



The teacher paused......then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"



One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said, 'Well, phuk me! A talking pig!'"

 

[my mod]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,

'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him... I know I have.

 

[my mod]

A woman went into a bar inTexas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped

Up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen, so she asked him if it

Was true what they said about men with big feet being well endowed.


The cowboy grinned and said, 'Sure is, li'l lady. Why don't you come on

Out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'


The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with

Him.


The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.


Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't

Nobody ever paid me for mah services before'


'Don't be flattered,' she said. 'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers, drillers, firemen, sled mechanic, salesmen, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is right he will go in the back alley with some guy and have sex with him for money"

The teacher, obiously shaken by this statement hurriedly set the other children to work on some crafts, and took David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

" No", said David, " He plays for the Edmonton Oilers, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

 

[my mod]

The Lone Ranger's

Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"....



"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request ???"


The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse,... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,


Listen Very Carefully!!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID...


"BRING POSSE"