Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

OLD GUYS JUST DON'T CARE

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my Doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw
her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.


When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

 

[my mod]

Weenie Test


Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid,
an Italian kid and a Black child are on the playground at
recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest weenie." He
says, "Okay." They all agree..

The Italian

kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid.
He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an
inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It
is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black
kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a
math test and read out loud from a new book and then during
recess, my friends and I played a new game called
'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks
the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out
our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say
it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're
eighteen and still in the third grade."

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Why do women wear flowers on their panties???








In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there!!

 

[Bogger]

$10.00 Monkey's
________________________________________
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the

villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest and started to catch them.

The man bought thousands at $10 each, but as the supply
began to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.


He next announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each.
The villagers renewed their efforts and started to catch monkeys again.

But as the supply diminished even further, people soon lost interest again.


When the man increased his offer to $25 each, monkeys

became so scarce it was an effort just to find one, let alone catch it!


The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each!
Since he had to go to meeting in the city, he said his assistant would buy
the monkeys on his behalf.


After the man left, his assistant told the villagers,
"Look at all the monkeys my boss has already bought. I'll sell them
to you for $35 each, and when he returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the man's
monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again - only lots and lots of monkeys!


Now you have a better understanding of how the

Wall Street bailout plan will work.



It doesn't get much more clear than this.:d

 

[my mod]

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down. Geeez.

 

[Bogger]

I don't get it.......oh now I do...men have hairy hands :d

 

[my mod]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[polarice]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate', Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

___________________________________

Dear Mom ,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
___________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

___________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

 

[JaySimon]

Why do women fake orgasm?

They think men care.

 

[my mod]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent ba stard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

 

[my mod]

Therapy

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in

horror as her ball

headed directly toward a foursome of men

playing the next

hole.



The ball hit one of the

men.



He immediately clasped

his hands together at his groin,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll

around in

agony.



The woman rushed down to

the man, and immediately

began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm

a

Physical Therapist and I

know I could relieve your pain if

you'd

allow me, she told

him.



'Oh, no, I'll be

all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'

the

man replied. He was in

obvious agony, lying in the fetal

position,

still clasping his hands

there at his groin.



At her

persistence, however, he finally allowed her to

help.

She gently took his

hands away and laid them to the

side,

loosened his pants and

put her hands inside.



She administered tender

and artful massage for several

long moments and asked,

'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels

great, but I still think my

thumb's broken!

 

[JaySimon]

A woman is late for work one day, so naturally she is speeding a bit.
She cruises across a bridge that leads into a curve and realizes too late that there is a speed trap directly ahead.
She tries to slow down to no avail, the officer flips on the lights and pulls her over.
"License and registration please, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Well yes," She replied "I am late for work and was in a rush to get there"

"What is it you do, that is so important you need to speed?"

"Well, where I work we stretch as$holes" She says

"Now how do you go about stretching an as$hole?" The officer replies, obviously intrigued

"well its not too difficult, I stick one finger in and work it around until I can fit a second in. Eventually I can step it up to the point where the as$hole is 6 feet tall"

"Now what would you do with a six foot tall as$hole?" The officer asks

"Simple, hand him a radar gun and put him around a blind corner"

 

[polarice]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.

 

[my mod]

A Flames fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road. On closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Oiler sweater. Now, the Flame fan that was driving just hated the Oilers, and he suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Oilers fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang, but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Flames fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father??"

The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR."

 

[Bogger]

The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Flames fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father??"

The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR."

I call BS....Everyone knows that Jesus hates the flames and you pick your nose

 

[my mod]

A GOLFER & HIS WIFE


A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the
window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of
non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO ch!t." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

 

[my mod]

Some new medical terminology...



Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight
C aesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema..........................Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. ........ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................ One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

 

[polarice]

Easter In Canada
Three blondes died and found themselves at Heaven's gate standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to explain to him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian celebration that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!"

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

unless you are an oilers fan

 

[kgr]

excerpts from a cat and dog diary!

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 683 of my captivity : My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now

 

[JayBec]

and the question of the day is.???????????

When you were a child, did you ever wonder if your mom gave your dad a blowjob before she kissed you goodnight...........