Required: Sense of humor

[Mike270412]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, 'The f@#kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'....

 

[Mike270412]

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in
the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she
think I had, an elephant?



So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.



I told
her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well

and I
was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my

story.)



Horrified, she
asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped

off a
curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.



I thought the
guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[mathrulz]

Came across this today...

 

[Snorider]

 

[Powertool29]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[Powertool29]

Mexican Ghost Story

This is a true story........

It happened in Pecos New Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and
stormy night.
The night was cold and wet and no cars went by. The storm was so strong;
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards
him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door,
and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!!
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve a hand appears through the window and
turns the wheel. The guy paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each
time the car approached a curve.
Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of
tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went
through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying
hysterically and he wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one
said to the other, 'Mira, Pedro. That's the Pendejo that got in the car
while we were pushing.'

 

[TracksCanada]

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

 

[Powertool29]

Virtual Humor

 

[elephant rider]

anybody know the difference between jam & jelly????????

 

[posnick]

anybody know the difference between jam & jelly????????

ok. i'll bite. whats the difference between jam & jelly?

 

[elephant rider]

ok. i'll bite. whats the difference between jam & jelly?

I need answers c'mon ..........

 

[Trashy]

I need answers c'mon ..........

OK, OK.........

Jam, is when your stuck.....

Jelly, is what get's you in.....:d

 

[elephant rider]

OK, OK.........

Jam, is when your stuck.....

Jelly, is what get's you in.....:d

nice 1 Q trash but u had to jelly yourself in there to get jammed!!!!!

 

[sledbunny]

How to determine a REAL snowmobiler


Prays for snow every night.


Turns on the Weather Channel first thing every morning.


Curses the Weather Channel second thing every morning.


Doesn't like to be passed under any circumstances.


Wants a new snowmobile every year.


Would rather ride than watch the Super Bowl.


Wishes he could forget about the speed limit.


Feels that no snowmobile suit is ever out of fashion, or too dirty to wear.


Would never admit to being tired out when riding with buddies.


Has no trouble choosing between an aftermarket pipe, or a new couch for the living room.


Is about as friendly as a grizzly bear when someone "high marks" him.


Refers to standing around as "wasting daylight."


Thumb twitches when snow is forecast.


Enjoys the smell of two-cycle exhaust and the sound of revving engines.


Carries enough odds and ends in his "possibles bag" to make it home, regardless.


Views a heavy, fresh snowfall as an invitation to paradise.


Considers burgers, fries and malts a delicacy.


Can locate gas stations like a coon dog on a hot trail.


Considers his exact sled width when approaching two trees, out of control, and careening downhill.


Always knows (with GPS precision) which way is back.

I know this is an old one, but it is still good!

 

[elephant rider]

anybody know the difference between jam & jelly????????

nobody???????????????????????????????????????????

 

[POWDERSLUT]

anybody know the difference between jam & jelly????????

when i start off it's clean ,then i jam it in, after i'm all done ,it will have a little jelly on it

 

[dooryder]

How to determine a REAL snowmobiler


Prays for snow every night.


Turns on the Weather Channel first thing every morning.


Curses the Weather Channel second thing every morning.


Doesn't like to be passed under any circumstances.


Wants a new snowmobile every year.


Would rather ride than watch the Super Bowl.


Wishes he could forget about the speed limit.


Feels that no snowmobile suit is ever out of fashion, or too dirty to wear.


Would never admit to being tired out when riding with buddies.


Has no trouble choosing between an aftermarket pipe, or a new couch for the living room.


Is about as friendly as a grizzly bear when someone "high marks" him.


Refers to standing around as "wasting daylight."


Thumb twitches when snow is forecast.


Enjoys the smell of two-cycle exhaust and the sound of revving engines.


Carries enough odds and ends in his "possibles bag" to make it home, regardless.


Views a heavy, fresh snowfall as an invitation to paradise.


Considers burgers, fries and malts a delicacy.


Can locate gas stations like a coon dog on a hot trail.


Considers his exact sled width when approaching two trees, out of control, and careening downhill.


Always knows (with GPS precision) which way is back.

I know this is an old one, but it is still good!

well i know that our group is always wasting daylight when we are the last ones to leave the parking lot in the morining!!, but we are usaly the last ones to levae it in the evenening too haha

 

[elephant rider]

when i start off it's clean ,then i jam it in, after i'm all done ,it will have a little jelly on it

thats fricken funny slut HAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! but u no ur wrong eh??

 

[elephant rider]

what did one nut say to the other nut????? A. why do we gotta hang slim did the shootin'!!!!!!

 

[POWDERSLUT]

what did one nut say to the other nut????? A. why do we gotta hang slim did the shootin'!!!!!!

whos a whats a um