Required: Sense of humor

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A fellow walks into a bar , and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the Jar?"

"Well..... you pay $10 and if you pass the three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, and so he asks, "What are the three test?"

"You must pay first.... Those are the rules," says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over the man puts $10 in the jar.

"OK, first you have to drink a quart of tequila in a minute or less, with out making a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth, you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year old lady upstairs whose never had sex, you have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and do all those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender.... But, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face and did it in 58/ sec.

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man is dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped open and there are scratches, he's bleeding all over.

He says, "Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A woman scanned the guest at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approched him... "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," the man replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No'" she says, "I gave it to myself, it reflects the things in life that makes me happy... Cars and Men!"

"What's your name?" she says.

The man replies, "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have Tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends: I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Kids....gotta luv him...

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Cowboy Boots or Cowboy Hat?

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a Pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!!!!

To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Going Fishing

A young farm boy from rural Alberta moves to the big city and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says"$101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said he always wanted to fish the big lakes, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, always remember that there is a battle between 'two wolves' inside us all. The one wolf is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
"The other wolf is is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which one of the wolves will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Harley’s ????

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.
All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.
So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.
The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.
The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.
When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, it the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....
"So, how's the Harley running'?"
_________________________________________________________________

When I was young I used to pray for a Harley.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a Harley and prayed for forgiveness.....
_________________________________________________________________

One for the Harley guys.....

A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,
"Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back.
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so you ride it!"
_________________________________________________________________
OKay....back after the Harley's

95% of Harleys are still on the road..........the other 5% made it home!
_________________________________________________________________

What do Dogs and Harleys have in common.........They both like to ride in the back of pick-up trucks!

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Animals don't talk• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Watch the signs

• A police officer pulled over a couple riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'sir, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
• And the rider says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
• The officer explains: 'No sir, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is 21."
• Then the police officer looked at the passenger and see she shaking like a leaf.
• "Excuse me sir, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."



Stopped for speeding
• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.



'It's rust.'

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Ukrainian Tomato Garden.

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton. He wanted to plant his annual tomatoe garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard to turn over for the 80 year old. His only son, Walter who used to help was in Prince Albert, Sask penitentiary for an extended sentence. The old man wrote a letter to his son to describe his predicament.
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoe garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love Walter.

At 4 am the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son, it read.

Dear dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Walter.

 

[sledbunny]

Here's one for you guys on here! Most of you have probably seen it but if you haven't, here it is!:d

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Hey what's with this magazine!!!

 

[my mod]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

 

[my mod]

WOODEN LEG INSURANCE -
A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri , from Texas . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it cost them $2000. Per year!

When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

 

[OVERKILL 19]

A lady brings her unresponsive pet duck to the veterinarian. The vet looks at the duck, listens to it's heart, and tells the lady "I'm sorry but your duck is dead". "No, no you must be wrong" says the woman "Are you sure?"
The vet rolls his eyes leaves the room and returns with a cat and a black lab.
The dog sniffs the duck from head to tail, looks at the vet and shakes his head.
The cat looks the duck over and does the same.
"It's certain, the duck is dead the fee is $220."
"$220 to tell me my duck is dead!!??" said the lady.
"If you had believed my diagnosis it would only have been $20" said the vet "But I had to order a lab report and a cat scan"


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

[my mod]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .







'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

 

[sledbunny]

Here is a good one for all you guys who can't make it to the campout! I thought this one was good:

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be thre but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply

When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!!!:d

 

[ttpowersports]

Here is a good one for all you guys who can't make it to the campout! I thought this one was good:

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be thre but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply

When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!!!:d

ya that would work for me.....if i wanted to become a monk in the andie mountains...
but its funny

t