Required: Sense of humor

[Joholio]

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[niner]

https://youtu.be/e-qflm0APTk

 

[Trashy]

https://youtu.be/e-qflm0APTk

WTF possess a person to do this

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to niner again.

 

[Trashy]

 

[Summit 934]

Copied from FB...


One evening last week my girlfriend and I were in bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man?"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit!"

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you..she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis!

I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, " No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT" look.

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!!

 

[tripster]

[FONT=&quot]HEART WARMING STORY[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Justin Trudeau.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]




​

​

​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[doorfx]

In the swim-meet, after
the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges
that all the other girls were using their arms.

 

[ATV Rancher]

Theoretically, they did catch rabies from a piece of ass.......

http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2017/08/fifteen-muslim-teens-treated-rabies-sex-local-donkey/

 

[doorfx]

 

[doorfx]

A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

 

[doorfx]

A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had

just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car

could've fed thousands of homeless people.

A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said, "I wonder how many people could have been fed

for the money that sports car cost."



I replied I am not sure, it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it, it fed the people

who make the tires, it fed the people who made the components that went into it, it fed the people in

the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires, it fed people in Decatur IL. at Caterpillar who make

the trucks that haul the copper ore. It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer

and fed the people working at the dealership and their families. BUT,… I have to admit, I guess I really

don’t know how many people it fed.



That is the difference between capitalism and welfare mentality. When you buy something, you put money

in people’s pockets and give them dignity for their skills. When you give someone something for nothing,

you rob them of their dignity and self worth.



Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value. Socialism is taking your money

against your will and shoving something down your throat that you never asked for.



I’ve decided I can’t be politically correct anymore. (I never was, actually)

 

[FernieHawk]

I don't disagree with anything you said...but why is this in the sense of humor thread?

 

[imdoo'n]

What i have heard called dry humour with a message,

 

[Joholio]

The neighbours had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dogs barked, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collars ready and filled them with their stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I'm standing on my back porch "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dogs are now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dogs to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me,"I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok,we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.
So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.....and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do

I hate to break the news that it's a COPIED story that gave me a good chuckle so feel free to do the same

 

[doorfx]

I'm not posting this to blast Hillary for giving a speech about inequality while wearing a $12,500 Armani jacket.



I'm posting this to give congrats to Armani for being able to sell a potato sack with sleeves for $12,500, which, in this case, holds about 200 pounds of fertilizer.

 

[Couch]

wonder why she lost ..... No difference in either Hillary or Trump - neither one represents the average person ....

//uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171015/079db84470c1c73a51d7c96687405c9f.jpg
I'm not posting this to blast Hillary for giving a speech about inequality while wearing a $12,500 Armani jacket.



I'm posting this to give congrats to Armani for being able to sell a potato sack with sleeves for $12,500, which, in this case, holds about 200 pounds of fertilizer.

 

[Summit 934]

 

[whoDEANie]

View attachment 206652

Lol, that's kinda funny but I'll bet you the! punctuation and grammar will ruin, Mike##'s entire day.

 

[52weekbreak]

Got the following off of a collection of "bad wedding" stories. Made me laugh. Think I met the guy who is the subject of the story...

"There was this guy outside of the hotel walking up to groups of people in the smoking area, asking how much each person weighed. He was very overweight himself, and his jeans looked to be on inside out. He was severely under dressed for the occasion, and no one seemed to know him.
Anyways, he would ask a person's weight, and then exclaim 'I can bench that!' Until one guy (I think he was a family member of the bride) got into an argument with him and started asking around if anyone knew this person, figuring that he was a wedding crasher. That's when this gentleman decided to cut a deal with everyone. 'If I can pick up that bench with my bare hands, can I stay for the party?' To which everyone agrees, because the bench was clearly bolted to the ground.
"So, he walks over, puts his hands on the bench, crouches down, and with all of his might ... s---- his pants in front of everyone. He stood up and waddled off through the parking lot to never be seen again. I did hear throughout the night people talking about a guy who was on shrooms outside, trying to lift a bench. So, I guess he was also tripping balls."

 

[rebel]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and  I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.