Required: Sense of humor

[52weekbreak]

A favorite "If you think your job sucks" story. Probably not true but funny none the less.

YI – The “Brian” in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer Systems employee.The letter is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I’m sorry but his experience should not be in vain. I must share this with the world. Excuse the language and forward as you feel appropriate. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter . . . True story.

---

April, 1998Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a jacuzzi.Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t **** for two days because my a-hole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.Love,
Brian

 

[rebel]

The  Four Cats 

Four  men were bragging about how smart their cats  were.  The  first man was an Engineer,  The  second man was an Accountant,  The  third man was a Chemist, and  The  fourth man was a Government  Employee. 

To  show off, the Engineer called his cat,  "T-square, do your stuff."  T-square  pranced over to the desk, took out some paper  and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,  and a triangle. 

Everyone  agreed that was pretty smart.  

But  the Accountant said his cat could do better. He  called his cat and said,  "Spreadsheet,  do your stuff."
Spreadsheet  went out to the kitchen and returned with a  dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal  piles of 3 cookies. 

Everyone agreed that  was good. 

But  the Chemist said his cat could do better. He  called his cat and said, "Measure, do your  stuff." 
Measure  got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart  of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard  and poured Exactly  8 ounces without spilling a drop into the  glass. 

Everyone  agreed that was pretty good.  

Then  the three men turned to the Government Employee  and said, "What can your cat  do?" 

The  Government Employee called his cat and said,  "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."  CoffeeBreak  jumped to his feet.......  

Ate  the cookies........  

Drank  the milk..... 

Sh*t  on the paper.......  

Screwed  the other three cats........  

Claimed  he injured his back while doing  so.
Filed  a grievance report for unsafe working  conditions.......  

Put  in for Workers  Compensation..................and  
Went  home for the rest of the day on sick  leave............  


AND  THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY  EVERYONE WANTS TO  WORK  FOR THE GOVERNMENT! 

 

[doorfx]

Subject: The Sensuous Wife



After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads husband into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the
woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied,
"Go look in the garage."

 

[doorfx]

60TH ANNIVERSARY



60 years together

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLE3CVLacG0/VFLm8yFnKyI/AAAAAAAAPSk/vVovqZLm6Ec/s1600/000001.jpg

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner
in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital
with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time
to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're
all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just
flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't
have time to shop for you."

“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able
to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary!
Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really
busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's some-
thing your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of
you to college.


https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLE3CVLacG0/VFLm8yFnKyI/AAAAAAAAPSk/vVovqZLm6Ec/s1600/000001.jpg

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the
time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean
we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too. ..

 

[doorfx]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[rebel]

 

Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions


Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary   walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

 

Mary   explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

 

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later,   Jan   blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

 

Sue , chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

 

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

 

[imdoo'n]

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Well three of the four are funny, the fourth is just really disturbing...

 

[Chronic Cat]

Well three of the four are funny, the fourth is just really disturbing...

That mountain sheep is super simple to explain....just saying.

 

[52weekbreak]

That mountain sheep is super simple to explain....just saying.

Apparently I am simpler than that. How did he get there?

 

[DaveB]

Apparently I am simpler than that. How did he get there?

If it's like some of the other similar horned animal hanging on powerline incidents I've seen, it's when the linemen are raising/tightening several miles of new line and an unlucky critter is standing near.

 

[pipes]

If it's like some of the other similar horned animal hanging on powerline incidents I've seen, it's when the linemen are raising/tightening several miles of new line and an unlucky critter is standing near.

Dave I think he's talking about the idiot in the bottom right hand corner

 

[52weekbreak]

Dave I think he's talking about the idiot in the bottom right hand corner

Well both actually. Pretty hard for a sheep to get voted onto a power line though.

 

[Summit 934]

If it's like some of the other similar horned animal hanging on powerline incidents I've seen, it's when the linemen are raising/tightening several miles of new line and an unlucky critter is standing near.

Unfortunately the wire wasn't around Truedopes neck when it was lifted!!

 

[52weekbreak]

Unfortunately the wire wasn't around Truedopes neck when it was lifted!!

Not too likely he would be anywhere near a place where actual work was going on

 

[Summit 934]

Not too likely he would be anywhere near a place where actual work was going on

I know you're right!!

 

[freeflorider]

Not too likely he would be anywhere near a place where actual work was going on

Possibly, he would be the one standing there with a lost look on his face...Tolal aaaaah wounding what was going on.

 

[Chronic Cat]

You fellas wanna hear a funny story with a pic I can't post here as buddy's from work are also on this site?

Not even a year ago, the same thing that happened to that sheep, happened to one of our side by sides while bringing the conductor up to sag height. It was parked mid span, nosed 90 degrees to the line. About 5 meters away. In the winter, we string out conductor on the gravel road as the ditch is full of snow. Then at each structure we walk the conductor over to the pole 1 at a time to keep them aligned and separated. Then you send the wire up the handline to the guy up the stick. This is done at every structure in between the dead ends. So now you have this conductor up every structure, but partly laying on the road mid span all the way down the line. Once you install a pulley or as we call them a "traveller" at the dead end, you can run the conductor through the traveller and past the dead end down to a piece of equipment sized accordingly to the size of conductor. In small rural distribution like 14.4-25kv stuff we just use a pickup. On the Tranmission side we use big dozers. No joke. So as we were pulling wire up to sag, one of the belly's of wire snagged just off the road as we were pulling up. It got tighter by just a pinch than every other span. So the branch or rock or what ever snagging it lets go. The belly shot further across the right of way than we thought and caught the hitch on the back. That phucker was dangling 45ft in the air looking good I might add! Cargo box still mostly loaded.

Its amazing the 5 of us had zero clue who parked it there! Amnesia I guess! Zero damage done thankfully!

 

[eclipse1966]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
​

Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’.
​

It comes in pink, and the averapnge male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
​

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
​

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
​

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
​

Used models may initially appear to have Kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
​

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
​

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
​

 

[Trashy]

AN oldie...... but a goodie