Required: Sense of humor

[rebel]

 

Seniors Fishing Trip

 

      At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.  The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and Started out on their adventure.

 They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

 'Do you want to go up or down?'

 All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

 When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

 They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

 He again asked the lady , 'up or down ?'

 There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

 This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

 She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river,  and the elderly gentleman asked, 'up or down ?'

 The woman replied, 'down.'

 A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'up or down ?'

 She replied, 'up.'

 This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?

Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

 She replied, 'well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were F..k or drown!

 

[rebel]

Debra or Jack ???

I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people; Debra or Jack.
It was a very difficult decision because they were both great workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the
water-cooler the next morning.

When Debra came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she
went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have
to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like sh*t.  If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.” 

I had to let Jack go.

 

[green-horn]

A Fragrant Poem


A fart is a pleasant thing...

It gives the belly ease...

It warms the bed in winter...

And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet...

A fart can be loud...

Some leave a powerful...

Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short...

Or a fart can be long...

Some farts have been known...

To sound like a song.....


A fart can create...

A most curious medley...

A fart can be harmless...

Or silent...and deadly.


A fart might not smell...

While others are vile...

A fart may pass quickly...

Or linger a while...


A fart can occur...

In a number of places...

And leave everyone there...

With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie...

To a small elevator...

A fart will find all of us

sooner or later.



But farts are all bad...

Is simply not true...

We must never forget...

Sweet old farts like you!


Kinda brings a tear to your eye...right?

 

[green-horn]

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

[green-horn]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'

 

[rebel]

 The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'One Stone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One Stone.
After years and years of torment, One Stone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, One Stone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird   died from exhaustion.

The word got around that One Stone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird   , who was Blue Bird's   cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw One Stone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, One Stone.'

One Stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't   die!
Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..You can't kill Two   Birds
With One Stone   !!

 

[rebel]

A successful businessman sat down with his new son-in-law to discuss his role in the family business. He said to him, "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family. To show you how much I care, I've made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn how everything works."

The son-in-law said, "That's very kind of you but I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"Oh, I see," said the father-in-law. "In that case, you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations there."

"That's very kind of you but I hate office work too," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk in an office all day, every day."

At this point the father-in-law was getting a little annoyed and said "I just made you half-owner of a huge money-making organization, but you don't like factories and you won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the son-in-law. "Buy me out."

 

[rebel]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Bank to cash a cheque in front of me one day: As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure to do that sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I didn't bring any "ID" with me as I didn't think there would be any reason, he says, I'm the leader of the Liberal Party, "I am the Prime minister of Canada....
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks today because of all the impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau: I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Mike Weir came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Mike Weir he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Mike weir and cashed his cheque for him.
Another time, Wayne Gretzky came in without ID. He pulled out his hockey stick and made a fabulous shot with a hockey puck it landed in an over turned trash can at the other end of the bank. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is really you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ummmm "Honestly, my mind is totally blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue." I really don't have a clue.
Cashier: Says, Ok thanks Will that be large or small bills, Mr Trudeau?"

 

[rebel]

Walking on the Grass......

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

 

[rebel]

A Message From Rural Alberta

Dear Ms.  Notley & Mr. Trudeau,

Yours sincerely,
Rural Alberta

 

[whoDEANie]

 

[tripster]

A Doctor was giving a speech to a large crowd.

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.”

“Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it”.

“Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake"

 

[rebel]

The Cannibal Restaurant

 

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
Looked over the menu.....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Liberal or Grilled Conservative or Scrambled NDPer: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of chit, it takes all morning."

 

 

[doorfx]

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

[Joholio]

Whats the difference between a yacht and a boner?


























I don’t have a yacht

 

[ATV Rancher]

Click on it.

 

[doorfx]

Bird identification is easy if you know what to look for.

Here there are four females and one male J

 

[doorfx]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE AND FINISHED.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world,
Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner, with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:
'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

 

[Summit 934]

 

[Summit 934]