Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]An old duck hunter is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He yells out:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey boy, whatcha got there?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy yells back:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“A roll of chicken wire.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What you gonna do with that?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Catch some chickens.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man yells:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy just laughs and keeps walking.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man yells out:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey boy, whatcha got there?”“Roll of duck tape.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What you gonna do with that?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy says back:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Catch me some ducks.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man yells back:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy just laughs and keeps walking.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey boy, whatcha got there?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Boy says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“It’s a pussy willow.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Old man says:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hold on, I’ll get my hat.”[/FONT]

 

[niner]

The worst part about watching the new Star Wars "rogue1" is waiting till 1977 to watch the sequel.

 

[doorfx]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time!)

 

[Summit 934]

A devout Arab Muslim got into a cab in London. She curtly asked the 'cab driver' to turn off the radio because her religious doctrine forbade her listening to music.
The Cab driver politely asked why.
His passenger replied that in the time of the Holy Prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door for his passenger to disembark.
The Arab Muslim was surprised and asked him: "What are you doing???"
The Cab driver answered:
"In the time of the Holy Prophet, there were no taxis, no bombs, no plane hijacks, no west invented loud speakers in mosques that woke up newly born, the elderly and the sick at unearthly hours, no suicide attacks, no RDX, no AK 47;
only 'PEACE' everywhere.
So shut up, get out and wait for a camel.
��������

 

[Summit 934]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"




He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?




"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little pr!ck"

 

[eclipse1966]

Getting older

�� and I have so many unanswered questions!!!!
I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, ......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...and do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's,..Now it is your turn to take it from me... Have a Great Day !!

��

��

 

[Summit 934]

 

[collin]

AN IRISH TRAGEDY.....


Irish Remorse ....... Apology from an Irish Hospital... SUCH COMPASSION



DEAR MR. MURPHY,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness

on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.


We deeply regret the amputation

 

[niner]

......

 

[doorfx]

A NUN AT HOOTERS


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

When the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun as she turned her nose up.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

The nun went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because
I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender. 'Would you like a drink?'

'No, thank you. But I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?!

 

[ferniesnow]

A Canadian story:

Just a normal day in Canada...

 

[gibsons]

The Dead Horse
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Donald is soon moving into the White House.

 

[doorfx]

Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Summit 934]

 

[papajake]

What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist Tooth Hurty��

 

[doorfx]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Toronto were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and

with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

I didn't see it coming either.

 

[Joholio]

After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:


Q. What is a tax refund payment?

A. It’s money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .


* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Canada by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only “truly” Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.

 

[Summit 934]

 

[eclipse1966]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b26Ll9q77Pw

 

[ATV Rancher]

Maybe this belongs here.

Chiropractor Invents Feminine Hygiene Glue.........for real.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kavins...stick-to-contain-menstrual-flow/#227b0eab4517
A little appropriate background music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3kQlzOi27M