Rene G
Active VIP Member
What a treat...
Braaaaapppp!
Braaaaapppp!
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
mxz800x
Active VIP Member
No he did say "uh" a **** load of times. For someone who is leading our country, you would think his speeches wouldn't use "uh" so many times. WOW what a leader, NOT
pfi572
Active VIP Member
A woman from Vancouver - who was a tree hugging NDP'er, an
anti-hunter, anti-pipeline environmentalist - purchased a piece of
timberland near Squamish, BC .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, a spotted owl attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP'er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down. You may wish to try Dr. Suzuki.
anti-hunter, anti-pipeline environmentalist - purchased a piece of
timberland near Squamish, BC .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, a spotted owl attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP'er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down. You may wish to try Dr. Suzuki.
tripster
Active VIP Member
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind. But if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind. But if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
A little boy in Newfoundland , wanted $100.00 for something very special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The Justin Trudeau thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland .
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
| While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...' |
| |
A TINY CABIN AT CORDOVA LAKE ...A social worker from a big city in Ontario recently transferred to a tiny community and was on the first tour of her new area when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
" Is your father here?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
" Is your father here?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
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Trudeau and Putin were walking around out in the country enjoying the scenery and the mild fall weather. On the trail they came across a sheep. When the sheep tried to get away it got its head caught in the fence next to the trail and was stuck. Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep and dropped his drawers and had his way with it. When Putin was done he turned to Trudeau and said, "Go ahead it's your turn!" Trudeau eagerly walked over and stuck his head in the fence.
Summit 934
Active VIP Member
Effective immediately, every employee is required to remain in the office 24 hours a day starting Sunday afternoons at 5:00 PM.
Each employee will remain in the office and will not go home until 9:00 PM on Friday of the following week. Occasionally there will be a $15 per night parking fee for your vehicles in our lot.
Occasions may arise when employees will not be allowed to go home every other weekend. In these cases, we will make an attempt to make arrangements that the employee be home the following weekend if we can work it out to get you there.
Each employee must bring all clothing and personal necessities that they require with them on Sunday.
The company will provide a storage space approximately 2 feet wide by 2 feet deep by 5 feet tall for each employee to store their personal items. The employee should be aware however that this space is subject to inspection by company or government personnel.
Employees will be given a 75"x48" mattress to sleep on. Employees must provide their own bedding.
Their sleeping environment will be very noisy and there will likely be several interruptions of sleep during each evening.
All personal and business phone calls will be made via employees cell phones which they will be solely responsible paying for.
Public restrooms, showers and towels will be provided, but a fee may be charged for these services.
Employees will bring their own food for the week or eat fast food. Either way the employee will not be allowed to eat at home.
During their nonworking hours, employees will be allowed to participate in any activity they choose, so long as it is in the place they finished their last shift, and does not involve spending time with their children or significant others.
Furthermore, each employee will be required to maintain a record of how they spend their day. These "logs" will be submitted daily to the company to be audited by company personnel.
The amount of time given to complete their work will be strictly regulated and occasionally the employee will be given more work than they can complete in the allotted time. You must adjust your records to show that you completed the tasks in the time allotment. Any violations of the regulations will result in either a reprimand, or in some cases termination.
Employees will be subject to random drug and alcohol testing and of course, if any alcohol is found in your workplace (even if it is stored away for your free time), you will be terminated.
Also, you will only receive pay for your regular shift and there will be no compensation for the non working time.
In occasional circumstances, there may be a token financial "gift" given for non working hours. This however will only apply if certain criteria are met and is approved by management and our clients.
Would you work for a company with these conditions?
Welcome to trucking!!
Exactly why after 31 yrs I'm done with that crap!!
Each employee will remain in the office and will not go home until 9:00 PM on Friday of the following week. Occasionally there will be a $15 per night parking fee for your vehicles in our lot.
Occasions may arise when employees will not be allowed to go home every other weekend. In these cases, we will make an attempt to make arrangements that the employee be home the following weekend if we can work it out to get you there.
Each employee must bring all clothing and personal necessities that they require with them on Sunday.
The company will provide a storage space approximately 2 feet wide by 2 feet deep by 5 feet tall for each employee to store their personal items. The employee should be aware however that this space is subject to inspection by company or government personnel.
Employees will be given a 75"x48" mattress to sleep on. Employees must provide their own bedding.
Their sleeping environment will be very noisy and there will likely be several interruptions of sleep during each evening.
All personal and business phone calls will be made via employees cell phones which they will be solely responsible paying for.
Public restrooms, showers and towels will be provided, but a fee may be charged for these services.
Employees will bring their own food for the week or eat fast food. Either way the employee will not be allowed to eat at home.
During their nonworking hours, employees will be allowed to participate in any activity they choose, so long as it is in the place they finished their last shift, and does not involve spending time with their children or significant others.
Furthermore, each employee will be required to maintain a record of how they spend their day. These "logs" will be submitted daily to the company to be audited by company personnel.
The amount of time given to complete their work will be strictly regulated and occasionally the employee will be given more work than they can complete in the allotted time. You must adjust your records to show that you completed the tasks in the time allotment. Any violations of the regulations will result in either a reprimand, or in some cases termination.
Employees will be subject to random drug and alcohol testing and of course, if any alcohol is found in your workplace (even if it is stored away for your free time), you will be terminated.
Also, you will only receive pay for your regular shift and there will be no compensation for the non working time.
In occasional circumstances, there may be a token financial "gift" given for non working hours. This however will only apply if certain criteria are met and is approved by management and our clients.
Would you work for a company with these conditions?
Welcome to trucking!!
Exactly why after 31 yrs I'm done with that crap!!
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A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”
tripster
Active VIP Member
Illegals are hard at work getting ready for Trump’s wall... The training has begun:
http://i.imgur.com/6ueVt3I.gifv
http://i.imgur.com/6ueVt3I.gifv
Summit 934
Active VIP Member
Summit 934
Active VIP Member
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he gets it home it screws all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the rooster again screws all 150 hens.
The next day it's screwing the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says "You deserve it you horny bastard!". The rooster opens one eye, points up and says "Shhhh, they're about to land!!"
The next day it's screwing the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says "You deserve it you horny bastard!". The rooster opens one eye, points up and says "Shhhh, they're about to land!!"
Joholio
Active VIP Member
Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,
”Cuz he’d be f****d if he needed glasses”
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,
”Cuz he’d be f****d if he needed glasses”
doorfx
Active VIP Member
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...
The Diamond D's Brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."
The Diamond D's Brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."
tripster
Active VIP Member
| New Newfie Pickup Line A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe" She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?" He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk." |
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