Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
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doorfx
Active VIP Member
Doing things we do as we get older, I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As I passed through the kitchen, I happened to look out through the rear windows. I noticed a diaper-headed Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said. “That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said. “That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”
A couple who work at the travelling circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."
mbmb
Active member
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they f@cked my wife after only five beers
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes f@cking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middleaisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's? ''Yes, I am. How did you know? 'He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middleaisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's? ''Yes, I am. How did you know? 'He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
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tripster
Active VIP Member
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
imdoo'n
Active VIP Member
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear'That's me before the surgery.'
Joholio
Active VIP Member
Dear Sir hopefully you can help answer my question.
Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law,the step-son of my father'swife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother, fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours, Mohammed
Reply : Of course you qualify... I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive in Canada.
Sincerely, Justin Trudeau.
Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law,the step-son of my father'swife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother, fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours, Mohammed
Reply : Of course you qualify... I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive in Canada.
Sincerely, Justin Trudeau.
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon , (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grasstomorrowmorning, they're pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.""Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
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