polarice
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Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extramoney for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went tothe front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anyodd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much willyou charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everythingshe would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Doesshe realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe allthose dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gaveit two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed itto her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."
Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before thecongregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’sfamily expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregationdecided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expandingsalary. A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued as to how much thepastor’s additional children were costing the church and how much moreit could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from hischair and spoke,“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finallysaid in her frail voice,“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” The entire congregation said, “Amen.”
Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."
Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."
polarice
Active VIP Member
Joholio
Active VIP Member
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Justin Trudeau and his role as prime minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, Trudeau is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Eventually the topic got around to Justin Trudeau and his role as prime minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, Trudeau is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
polarice
Active VIP Member
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!911: Alright, What is it?Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!911: So what’s your emergency?Boy: The ugly one is winning.
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
polarice
Active VIP Member
I love Christmas lights! They remind me of
the people who voted for Notley.
They all hang together, half of them don't work,
and the ones that do, aren't all that bright.
the people who voted for Notley.
They all hang together, half of them don't work,
and the ones that do, aren't all that bright.
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window ?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir ?
We have:
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window ?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir ?
We have:
- Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
- Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
- Beach Barbie for $19.95,
- Beach Barbie for $19.95,
- Disco Barbie for $19.95,
- Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
- Skater Barbie for $19.95,
- Skater Barbie for $19.95,
- Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95 ?'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95 ?'
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers :
'Sir : Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'
Joholio
Active VIP Member
NUDE BEACH ....... !!!
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
| Something to think about!!.........Besos, Maite I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds.... Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..... An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends in big type so they can read it. |
doorfx
Active VIP Member
Ahhh, tolerance!! It's a two-way street.
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario , says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another
mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of
every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus
the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy,"
and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of
Ribs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the
goods, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing
this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It
is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to
put your camel to bed.
tripster
Active VIP Member
British men between 55 and 65 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more).
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my male friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my male friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
tripster
Active VIP Member
Everyone Poops -- Even Santa
Even santa has to go
Even santa has to go
doorfx
Active VIP Member
Merry Christmas
A little early I know, but I have so many happy beautiful friends, I thought I'd get the ugly *uckers out of the way first. After careful consideration of your performance in 2015, I have decided to extend our friendship for another 12 months.
A little Christmas message for you. Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a *ucked up friend, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, or *uck farm animals. You hang in there cupcake, because you're *ucking special to me, and you're my friend. Look at you smiling at your phone, you crayon eating mother *ucker!
Merry Christmas
Don't *uck it up. All the best in 2016.
Sent from my little Phoney
A little early I know, but I have so many happy beautiful friends, I thought I'd get the ugly *uckers out of the way first. After careful consideration of your performance in 2015, I have decided to extend our friendship for another 12 months.
A little Christmas message for you. Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a *ucked up friend, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, or *uck farm animals. You hang in there cupcake, because you're *ucking special to me, and you're my friend. Look at you smiling at your phone, you crayon eating mother *ucker!
Merry Christmas
Don't *uck it up. All the best in 2016.
Sent from my little Phoney
Joholio
Active VIP Member
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
pipes
Active VIP Member
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
green-horn
Active VIP Member
WORLD WAR III
IN THE PLANNING
STAGES
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are
sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the
barman,
'Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over
there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's
them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow,
this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in
here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to
happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill
140 million Muslims and one blonde with big
boobs.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big
boobs?
Why kill a blonde with big
boobs?'
Trump turns to Sanders
and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140
million Muslims.’
IN THE PLANNING
STAGES
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are
sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the
barman,
'Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over
there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's
them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow,
this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in
here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to
happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill
140 million Muslims and one blonde with big
boobs.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big
boobs?
Why kill a blonde with big
boobs?'
Trump turns to Sanders
and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140
million Muslims.’
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