Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A lesson from porcupines.....

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way, they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After a while, they decided to distance themselves from one another and they began to die....alone and frozen.

So the had to make a choice: Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way, they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life.

 

[rebel]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Boise Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same facking elephant. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.

 

[doorfx]

It would be not just justice, but poetic justice.



A Muslim suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah looked at him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So, you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail.

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"

 

[doorfx]

Many years ago at the Montreal forum. End of game between Canadiens & Wings.
Color commentator (CC) asking Rocket Richard ( R), who's out with an injury, to name the 3 stars of the game.

CC:Well, Rocket, quite a fast game tonite.

R . Dats for shore!

CC: so who's your first star?

R. Well, for my first star I 'ave to pick Jean Beliveau He score 2 goal and 'ad one assist.

CC: and your second star?

R: For my second star I 'ave to pick my broder Ohnree. He score 1 goal. He skate good boat ways. He was all over the hice.

CC: and your third star?

R: Well, for my turd star I 'ave to pick Boom Boom Geoffrion. He skate. He shoot de puck. And he 'ad 2 assist.

CC: Well, Rocket, if you had an honorable mention, who would it be.

R: I 'ave to say Gordie 'Owe. If it wasn't for his 4 goals, we would have won the game.

 

[eclipse1966]

 

[rebel]

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . . In and out . . . . In and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . . She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting near to the end.   He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . Forwards then backwards. . . . Forward then backward. . . . Again . . . . and again . . . . Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . . Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard,   I can't parallel park. You do it!" 

 

[rebel]

An airplane was about to crash; there were  5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. the first passenger, holly madison said, "i have my own reality show and i am the smartest and prettiest woman at playboy, so americans don't want me to die."she took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. the second passenger, john mccain, said, "i'm a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the united states of america." so he grabbed the second pack and jumped. the third passenger, donald trump said, "i am going to be the next president of the united states, i am the smartest  man in our country, and i will make america great again" .so he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out. the fourth passenger, billy graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "i have lived a full life and served my god the best i could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. "              the little girl said, "that's okay, mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in america took my schoolbag ."  

 

[rebel]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/xU7FdD1SpHc?rel=0

 

[rebel]

Subject: Global Warming What to believe?  The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulate, at Bergen , Norway Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable. * * * * * * * * * I must apologize.I neglected to mention that this report was fromNovember 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post - 93 years ago.This must have been caused by the Model T Ford's emissions or possibly from horse and cattle flatulence

 

[winterax]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

[rebel]

 Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’ He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’  ‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub

 

[rebel]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

 

[zeebs]

 

[tripster]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair

 

[winterax]

Due to an unfortunate genetic defect, I have been told that I can’t drive. It has left me with a lack of spatial awareness, an inability to think logically and terrible mood swings.



On the upside, I can have kids, I’m great at housework and I’ve got a killer set of tits.

 

[eclipse1966]

awesome!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SggV-XFKQ1w

 

[green-horn]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Joe woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

[green-horn]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

 

[green-horn]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

[green-horn]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.