Required: Sense of humor

[Joholio]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.

Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."

 

[rebel]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagerstoday were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!”

 

[rebel]

Help from Canada Press Release.

The Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, met with the President Oboma of the United States and strongly supported the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Trudeau issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM.  WE HAVE PLEDGED 2 WARSHIPS, 600 GROUND TROOPS, AND  6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH 2 CANOES, 6 MOUNTIES, AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS. After today, it might even be less.

 

[rebel]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.   With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”

 

[rebel]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,he could fly.”

 

[Joholio]

Steven Harper and Justin Trudeau somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken.The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trudeau in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trudeau was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Harper and said, 'How about you sir ?'
Harper replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

 

[LBZ]

^^^That's a gooder!!

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[rebel]

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…  “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

 

[rebel]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She's my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

 

[farmerboy]

Emailed from a friend;



* THE MIRACLE OF A SHEET OF TOILET PAPER*



Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband
that my breasts are too small.



Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece

of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds 3 times every day.'



Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.'How long will this take?' I asked.



'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.



I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'



Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'



The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man......

 

[Joholio]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.



Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

 

[winterax]

*With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever
seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?""No," said her husband.She gave him a
sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly
reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar
bill from her and smiled approvingly.She then asked him, "Have you ever
seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?""Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an
anxious tone in his voice.She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up
her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties... and
pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar
bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation."Now," she
said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?""No way!" he
said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she
replied:"Go look in the garage".

 

[pipes]

*With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever
seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?""No," said her husband.She gave him a
sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly
reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar
bill from her and smiled approvingly.She then asked him, "Have you ever
seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?""Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an
anxious tone in his voice.She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up
her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties... and
pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar
bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation."Now," she
said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?""No way!" he
said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she
replied:"Go look in the garage".

I don't get it.

 

[Bnorth]

I don't get it.

She crashed his car

 

[pipes]

She crashed his car

I know she crashed his car. I'm just saying I don't get it.

 

[MK4TDI]

I know she crashed his car. I'm just saying I don't get it.

The car cost 40,000 and now it's a crumpled mess ??

Sent from my HTC One M9 using Tapatalk

 

[007sevens]

I know she crashed his car. I'm just saying I don't get it.

have you tried Viagra......it may help with your situation.

 

[pipes]

have you tried Viagra......it may help with your situation.

what's the point of putting lead in your pencil if you haven't got any paper to write on.

 

[pipes]

The car cost 40,000 and now it's a crumpled mess ??

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I see I'm not the only one not getting it.

 

[tiger666]

I don't get that you don't get it.