Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

 

[green-horn]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[green-horn]

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.

 

[polarice]

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during

the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.

The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

 

[polarice]

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.

 

[polarice]

lady is a bit lonely
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled backside…. you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I’ll give him a call.

“Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?” … Oh my, he sounded so sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want to make love. I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?”
He says, “Oh my God… that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

 

[green-horn]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

 

[green-horn]

Winner of the Chicago Tribune's best Tweet of the week:
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But, apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. "

 

[green-horn]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.

Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

 

[polarice]

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.
“I hardly ever get a compliment.”

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[polarice]

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it
on my back porch and filled it
with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.
Then came the ****. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!
Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ..... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see......
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.
Then the illegals came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than ”ours” are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the ****!

 

[Joholio]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

[rebel]

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs to his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied."It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you, and with a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss."The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do."I can also make it wink," she replied.The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him."Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"Stunned, he asked, “You’re kiddin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[rebel]

  This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.      He said:  Up until Last week, I still had it all !!   A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . ..  I asked him, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol,? Divorce…?                                    Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison.

Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[polarice]

 

[eclipse1966]

Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.





Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.





Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.




Drive By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. The Sick bastards!!!




The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".




Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.




Pregnant Prostitute…Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!








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[Joholio]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

 

[rebel]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.  He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[rebel]

As we try to figure out what the election results mean, here are a few insights: Like many millennials, after trying to strike out into the big vast world on his own, Justin Trudeau has returned home to the place he was raised (24 Sussex Dr.), finding it just a bit too scary out there in the real world.On the flip side, Mr. Harper woke up to quite likely his worst nightmare.He woke up as a regular Calgary citizen with a Muslim as his Mayor,the NDP running his province, and the Liberals running his country...

Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[rebel]

 A Short love story 
A man  and a woman who had never met before,But who were both married to other  people,Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a  transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over  sharing a room,They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in  the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1 : 00 AM, the man  leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,  I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach  into the closet to get me a blanket?  I'm awfully  cold' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for  tonight......let's pretend that we're married'  'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he  exclaimed.. 'Good,' she replied................'Get your own  f...ing blanket.'  After a moment of silence,  ........................he farted. The  End

Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, MSNBC, CrTC, FEDS, ADMINS &MODS. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."