Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A blonde orders a beer.....



The bartender fills the mug

and
slides it down the bar.

It
hits the blonde woman's boobs

and
splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves

the
mug and licks the beer off her boobs.





Each
time the blonde calls for another

beer
this happens.

So
after the third beer, a guy decides

to
help the bartender out.



The
next time the bartender hit

her
boobs, the man jumps up

and
starts to lick her breasts.

She
decks him!



He
is lying on the floor moaning,


'Jeez,
lady... Why do you let

the
bartender do it and not me?'







“Helloooo!",
says the blonde”....



“He
has a licker license!”

 

[green-horn]

Subject: Nine Important Facts



Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't
tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach
a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks,
months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do
today might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

[green-horn]

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men suffer from high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're ****ed
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got Phucked to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the phuck! and What a phuck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
Now that I've educated you, go ahead and educate someone else.
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters..

 

[green-horn]

I got a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71, on the same street.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road
~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
But thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough
to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.

 

[doorfx]

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.



Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.



“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper



"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.



"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."



"I can't," said the biker.



"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."

The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.



Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.



A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.





It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

 

[rebel]

A  Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth.He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.Last night, I beat the hell out of a muslim"The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins,not to discuss your community service."

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

 

[rebel]

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

 

[52weekbreak]

A favorite of mine...

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
​
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

 

[007sevens]

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
​
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

 

[doorfx]

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED , ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE. DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!



In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.





And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"





And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"





And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."





Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.





To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).





And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.





And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. "And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."





And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. "





"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.





Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.





It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).





That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.

 

[polarice]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[imdoo'n]

http://conservativepost.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/image18.jpg

 

[niner]

https://www.facebook.com/funkyouentertainment/videos/344735768984375/

 

[tripster]

---

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[green-horn]

arguing with a woman is like getting arrested...


Everything you say can and will be used against you

 

[green-horn]

Two blondes were
going to Disneyland.
They were driving
on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland
LEFT.....
They started
crying... and turned around and went home.


CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes
her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on
it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She
says, “What's the story?”
He
replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She
asks, “How often do I have to do that?”


SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer
stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
driver’s license.
She replied in a
huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together!
Just yesterday they
took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to
you?”


AT THE DOCTOR'S
OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched
it.
“Impossible!”
says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took
her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her
elbow and screamed even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The
doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well,
no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I
thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”


KNITTING
A
highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that
She was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!”
the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”


BLONDE ON
TIME
A girl
was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
her what their names
were.
The
blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was
named “Timex”.
Her
friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”


FINALLY, THE
BLONDE
JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In
The swim-meet, after
the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she
complained to the judges
that
all the other girls were using their arms.

 

[rebel]

Test your knowledge

Smartorstoopid
The Smart or Stoopid Quiz, by flashbynight.com, a simple and fun IQ test



Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, & MSNBC. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[Cat401]

Test your knowledge

Smartorstoopid
The Smart or Stoopid Quiz, by flashbynight.com, a simple and fun IQ test

Well, dat was hard...........

Verdict: smart
Your score: 27
Average score: 17.9
You are 50.8% smarter than average

 

[rebel]

Test your knowledge

Smartorstoopid
The Smart or Stoopid Quiz, by flashbynight.com, a simple and fun IQ test

Well, dat was hard...........

Verdict: smart
Your score: 27
Average score: 17.9
You are 50.8% smarter than average

Verdict: smart
Your score: 27
Average score: 17.9
You are 50.8% smarter than average
Yeah I got same


Note: "Contents of this forum have been read by the CIA, FBI, IRS, BATF, DHS, NSA, TSA, EPA, BLM, & MSNBC. There is absolutely NO expectation of privacy."

 

[polarice]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her ...cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.