Required: Sense of humor

[007sevens]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

 

[007sevens]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[007sevens]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[007sevens]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[007sevens]

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "sh1t." The son asks, "What does sh1t mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "puck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh1t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen pucking the turkey."

 

[winterax]

Mother in Law

I tell you she's been on my case for a week.... all because I never opened the car door for her.

to tell the truth I just panicked and swam for the surface............

 

[Joholio]

 

[KWIK RACING INC.]

man there is alot of funny stuff in the thread...good for a laugh or two...

here is the new stanley tape measure for the carpenters out there.... you got to get this new one cause you will never make a mistake again in measuring...

 

[MK4TDI]

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. 'This is great,' he thought and floored it some more.
He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. 'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
'Sir,' he said, looking at his watch. 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.'
The State Trooper said, 'Have a nice day.' 

 

[green-horn]

Mike stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Mike explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.

 

[green-horn]

The oil is all in Alberta but the dipsticks are in Ottawa.

 

[MK4TDI]

Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."

Me: "Tits." 

 

[KWIK RACING INC.]

have a watch of this.... i laughed so hard.. i just about puked... haha

https://video-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/h...=92a7f0ba391d5eeb108011b15a20320b&oe=559B7586

 

[doorfx]

Not working

 

[X-Treme]

Not working
View attachment 187853

Doesn't work from a PC either.

 

[52weekbreak]

 

[KWIK RACING INC.]

ahhh crap... it did work for me the day i posted... now it does not work for me either... oh well ...

in the mean time here is another one that will crack you up pretty good! haha

https://video-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/h...=a601efca8be885134b8d517c842c7f5c&oe=559C973C

 

[KWIK RACING INC.]

here is another one... haha

 

[niner]

My Canada: Trent McLellan - Alberta - Punchline on CBC

The rig worker bit is classic.

 

[tripster]

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased by a cheetah. The wife told the husband, “If the antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a Blow Job everyday for the rest of your life.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDIwOnXNc8