Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW a diamond necklace for his wife and $100,000 US dollars.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

[green-horn]

Where are your Glasses ??
I love this one!!!! I would never be able to think of a reply like this!!


Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[MK4TDI]

Here is a pretty good one to send to your friends with a sense of humor.

Hey give me a quick shout on this phone I need to talk to you my cell is gonna die 1-605-475-6972

 

[doorfx]

From a Craig's list personal ad

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it Was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of What you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

 

[52weekbreak]

 

[52weekbreak]

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she replied: "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

 

[green-horn]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.


The cardiologist was there waiting for the Service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, Want to take a look at this?'



The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.


The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic. 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

 

[green-horn]

Confucius say
"Always love a woman for her personality; They have like 10, so you can choose."

 

[green-horn]

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

 

[Joholio]

https://www.facebook.com/mfsahinn/videos/696481083810652/

 

[somethingnuw]

I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store so I went on in.




I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me asked if he could help me, I guess I didn’t look exactly like his normal clientele.







So I asked for a copy of the Canadian Immigration Policy book regarding Muslims.







The Clerk said, “F *ck off, get out, and stay out !”







I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?”

 

[d mills]

Dear Mr. Harper, Trudeau, Mulcair


Please find below our suggestion for fixing Canada 's economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to corporations that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them 1 million dollars each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings -unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered -Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy $50 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances


If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.


Also..
How about putting the very elderly pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home..

That way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.


They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.


A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.


They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.


They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.


Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.


Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.


Each senior could have a PC, a TV, radio and daily phone calls.


There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.


The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $300.00 per week and with little hope of ever getting out.


More points of contention: [Think about this...]


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Alberta years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the barn?


And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
--------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this .. If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone --
YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is time grumpy old folks of Canada spoke up!

 

[X-Treme]

The worst part is that you DON'T need a sense of humour for that, cause it's all true.

 

[acesup800]

Dear Mr. Harper, Trudeau, Mulcair



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them 1 million dollars each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

You do realize that is 10,000,000,000,000 or 10 trillion dollars right? Not thinking that is gonna work.

 

[d mills]

You do realize that is 10,000,000,000,000 or 10 trillion dollars right? Not thinking that is gonna work.

You do realize I didn't write that and what the name of this thread is right?

 

[Clode]

.....

 

[ferniesnow]

You do realize I didn't write that and what the name of this thread is right?

A little green rep passed your way!

 

[007sevens]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

 

[007sevens]

Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

[007sevens]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"