goodngrubby
Active VIP Member
Hun..
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
doorfx
Active VIP Member
Who said that the health care in America was not up to par?
A Muslim immigrant in Phoenix goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me ?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."
A Muslim immigrant in Phoenix goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me ?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Ole lived across the Minnesota riverfrom Clarence, whom he didn't like at all.
They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!" Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me, ya old turd. I cud beatcha wit one hand behind me back, fer sure!"
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.
They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!" Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me, ya old turd. I cud beatcha wit one hand behind me back, fer sure!"
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said 'Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do.'
Johnny said, 'I haven't got da fingers.'
'What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?' shrieked the doctor. 'Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2015!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?'
(Are you ready for this????? )
Scroll down
Johnny says... 'How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said 'Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do.'
Johnny said, 'I haven't got da fingers.'
'What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?' shrieked the doctor. 'Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2015!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?'
(Are you ready for this????? )
Scroll down
Johnny says... 'How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??
green-horn
Active VIP Member
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that
love using words in rather unique ways,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the
best one is held every year.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married.
They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed. (I LOVE THIS ONE)
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
love using words in rather unique ways,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the
best one is held every year.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married.
They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed. (I LOVE THIS ONE)
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
doorfx
Active VIP Member
Paying Attention to Details...
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Politically Incorrect British Humor
.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant
couldn't smell any Englishmen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...they've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
.................................................. .................................................. ..............................................
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant
couldn't smell any Englishmen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...they've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Humourous and aggravating. Global
warming – Takes an Australian tells it like it is!!!
Ian Rutherford Plimer is an Australian geologist, professor
emeritus of earth sciences at the University of Melbourne, Professor
of Mining Geology at the University of Adelaide, and the Director of
Multiple Mineral Exploration and Mining Companies. He has published
130 scientific papers, six books and edited the Encyclopedia of
Geology.
Born February 1946
(age 67) 12
Residence
Australia
Nationality
Australian
Fields
Earth Science,Geology, Mining Engineering
Institutions
University of New England,University of
Newcastle,University of Melbourne,University of Adelaide
Alma mater
University of New South Wales,Macquarie University
Thesis
The pipe deposits of tungsten-molybdenum-bismuth in
eastern Australia (1976)
Notable awards
Eureka Prize (1995, 2002),Centenary Medal (2003), Clarke
Medal (2004)
Where Does the Carbon Dioxide Really Come From?
Professor Ian Plimer could not have said it better! If you've
read his book you will agree, this is a good summary.
PLIMER: "Okay, here's the bombshell. The volcanic eruption in
Iceland . Since its first spewing of
volcanic ash has, in just FOUR DAYS, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE
EFFORT you have made in the
past five years to control CO2 emissions on our planet - all of you.
Of course, you know about this evil carbon dioxide that we are
trying to suppress - it’s that vital
chemical compound that every plant requires to live and grow
and to synthesize into oxygen for
us humans and all animal life.
I know....it's very disheartening to realize that all of the
carbon emission savings you have
accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of
driving Prius hybrids, buying
fabric grocery bags, sitting up till midnight to finish your
kids "The Green Revolution"
science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning
supplies, using only two squares of
toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir,
selling your SUV and speedboat, vacationing
at home instead of abroad!!!
Nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of
your 50 cent light bulbs with
$10.00 light bulbs.....well, all of those things you have done
have all gone down the tubes in
just four days. The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth's
atmosphere in just four days - yes,
FOUR DAYS - by that volcano in Iceland has totally erased
every single effort you have made
to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And there are around 200
active volcanoes on the planet
spewing out this crud at any one time - EVERY DAY.
I don't really want to rain on your parade too much, but I
should mention that when the
volcano Mt Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it
spewed out more greenhouse
gases into the atmosphere than the entire human race had
emitted in all its years on earth.
Yes, folks, Mt Pinatubo was active for over one year - think
about it. Of course, I shouldn't
spoil this 'touchy-feely tree-hugging' moment and mention the
effect of solar and cosmic
activity and the well-recognized 800-year global heating and
cooling cycle, which keeps
happening despite our completely insignificant efforts to
affect climate change.
And I do wish I had a silver lining to this volcanic ash
cloud, but the fact of the matter is
that the bush fire season across the western USA and Australia
this year alone will negate
your efforts to reduce carbon in our world for the next two to
three years. And it happens
every year.
Just remember that your government just tried to impose a
whopping carbon tax on you, on
the basis of the bogus 'human-caused' climate-change scenario.
Hey, isn’t it interesting
how they don’t mention 'Global Warming' anymore, but just
'Climate Change' - you know why?
It’s because the planet has COOLED by 0.7 degrees in the past
century and these
global warming ‘BS’ artists got caught with their pants down.
And, just keep in mind that
you might yet have an Emissions Trading Scheme - that whopping
new tax - imposed
on you, that will achieve absolutely nothing except make you poorer.
It won’t stop any volcanoes from erupting, that’s for sure!!!
But, hey, relax...... and have a nice day!"
warming – Takes an Australian tells it like it is!!!
Ian Rutherford Plimer is an Australian geologist, professor
emeritus of earth sciences at the University of Melbourne, Professor
of Mining Geology at the University of Adelaide, and the Director of
Multiple Mineral Exploration and Mining Companies. He has published
130 scientific papers, six books and edited the Encyclopedia of
Geology.
Born February 1946
(age 67) 12
Residence
Australia
Nationality
Australian
Fields
Earth Science,Geology, Mining Engineering
Institutions
University of New England,University of
Newcastle,University of Melbourne,University of Adelaide
Alma mater
University of New South Wales,Macquarie University
Thesis
The pipe deposits of tungsten-molybdenum-bismuth in
eastern Australia (1976)
Notable awards
Eureka Prize (1995, 2002),Centenary Medal (2003), Clarke
Medal (2004)
Where Does the Carbon Dioxide Really Come From?
Professor Ian Plimer could not have said it better! If you've
read his book you will agree, this is a good summary.
PLIMER: "Okay, here's the bombshell. The volcanic eruption in
Iceland . Since its first spewing of
volcanic ash has, in just FOUR DAYS, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE
EFFORT you have made in the
past five years to control CO2 emissions on our planet - all of you.
Of course, you know about this evil carbon dioxide that we are
trying to suppress - it’s that vital
chemical compound that every plant requires to live and grow
and to synthesize into oxygen for
us humans and all animal life.
I know....it's very disheartening to realize that all of the
carbon emission savings you have
accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of
driving Prius hybrids, buying
fabric grocery bags, sitting up till midnight to finish your
kids "The Green Revolution"
science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning
supplies, using only two squares of
toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir,
selling your SUV and speedboat, vacationing
at home instead of abroad!!!
Nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of
your 50 cent light bulbs with
$10.00 light bulbs.....well, all of those things you have done
have all gone down the tubes in
just four days. The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth's
atmosphere in just four days - yes,
FOUR DAYS - by that volcano in Iceland has totally erased
every single effort you have made
to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And there are around 200
active volcanoes on the planet
spewing out this crud at any one time - EVERY DAY.
I don't really want to rain on your parade too much, but I
should mention that when the
volcano Mt Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it
spewed out more greenhouse
gases into the atmosphere than the entire human race had
emitted in all its years on earth.
Yes, folks, Mt Pinatubo was active for over one year - think
about it. Of course, I shouldn't
spoil this 'touchy-feely tree-hugging' moment and mention the
effect of solar and cosmic
activity and the well-recognized 800-year global heating and
cooling cycle, which keeps
happening despite our completely insignificant efforts to
affect climate change.
And I do wish I had a silver lining to this volcanic ash
cloud, but the fact of the matter is
that the bush fire season across the western USA and Australia
this year alone will negate
your efforts to reduce carbon in our world for the next two to
three years. And it happens
every year.
Just remember that your government just tried to impose a
whopping carbon tax on you, on
the basis of the bogus 'human-caused' climate-change scenario.
Hey, isn’t it interesting
how they don’t mention 'Global Warming' anymore, but just
'Climate Change' - you know why?
It’s because the planet has COOLED by 0.7 degrees in the past
century and these
global warming ‘BS’ artists got caught with their pants down.
And, just keep in mind that
you might yet have an Emissions Trading Scheme - that whopping
new tax - imposed
on you, that will achieve absolutely nothing except make you poorer.
It won’t stop any volcanoes from erupting, that’s for sure!!!
But, hey, relax...... and have a nice day!"
This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist
Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before they even touch a firearm.
LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the
interview was over.
Live, Laugh, Love.............is so simple
Life's an attitude....Make it a good one!
Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before they even touch a firearm.
LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the
interview was over.
Live, Laugh, Love.............is so simple
Life's an attitude....Make it a good one!
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian
Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.. You pass me on the street
and sneer in my direction.
You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,'
'Caveman'... And that's OK...
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger,
Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you....
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET....
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR
lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of
Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant,
but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students
scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ..
Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching
for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and
you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, car jack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or
beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat
to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud...... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this e-mail..
Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.
That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET.... But getting very close!
It is estimated that ONLY 5% of those reaching this point
in this e-mail, will pass it on.
I DID!!
Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.. You pass me on the street
and sneer in my direction.
You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,'
'Caveman'... And that's OK...
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger,
Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you....
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET....
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR
lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of
Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant,
but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students
scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ..
Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching
for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and
you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, car jack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or
beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat
to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud...... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this e-mail..
Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.
That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET.... But getting very close!
It is estimated that ONLY 5% of those reaching this point
in this e-mail, will pass it on.
I DID!!
Last edited:
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
green-horn
Active VIP Member
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’ '
She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you? '
'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’ '
She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you? '
'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
| An Albertan is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A large genie appears out of the bottle and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." "OK, then, I want to die after our NDP government balances the budget and eliminates the debt." The genie stared at him a second or two then says …… "You crafty little bastard." |
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could
> immediately feel it
> getting wetter and wetter.
> I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going
> down on me.
> I thought to myself., "I really need a new f%^&ing boat,"
> immediately feel it
> getting wetter and wetter.
> I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going
> down on me.
> I thought to myself., "I really need a new f%^&ing boat,"
polarice
Active VIP Member
Do you have an electrified fence in your home? Aren’t you scared of how much of a hazard it is? We’re sure it can stop a burglar from entering your home, but the biggest risk it provides, really, is to you.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big-wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap & pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘D*mn,’ I think as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God, please die… pleeeeze die’.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created…
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop & pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big-wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap & pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘D*mn,’ I think as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God, please die… pleeeeze die’.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created…
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop & pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
Mike270412
Golden Boy
I just about pooped and peed reading that !
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
I laughed so hard that I was crying
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Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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