PEAK SEEKER
Active VIP Member
[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9gHZPDh12g&feature=related[/YT]
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter *xo*
- Start date
PEAK SEEKER
Active VIP Member
It is funny cuz the squirrel gets dead 
SHIFTmx
Active VIP Member
Parvinder and Habib are Pakistani beggars. They beg in different areas of Toronto. Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase Full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?"
Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Habib signs reads; "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Parvinder says "No wonder you only get $2 to $3!"
Habib says...."So what does your sign say?"
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.........
It reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan
Parvinder brings home a suitcase Full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?"
Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Habib signs reads; "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Parvinder says "No wonder you only get $2 to $3!"
Habib says...."So what does your sign say?"
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.........
It reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan
fat tire
Active VIP Member
Ha* ha ha..........me too.
heavy d
Active VIP Member
The difference between Northern girls, and Southern girls.......
Northern girls say, " Yes you can."
Southern girls say, " Yes y-all can."
Northern girls say, " Yes you can."
Southern girls say, " Yes y-all can."
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- #306
whitegold
Active VIP Member
: The Mexican Maid
> The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
> this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why
> do you want a pay increase?'
>
> Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The
> first is that I iron better than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh.'
>
> Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh..'
>
> Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.'
>
> Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
>
> Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
>
> Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
> The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
> this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why
> do you want a pay increase?'
>
> Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The
> first is that I iron better than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh.'
>
> Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh..'
>
> Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.'
>
> Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
>
> Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
>
> Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
heavy d
Active VIP Member
Can't stress enough grammar's importance: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, & helping your uncle jack off a horse.
PEAK SEEKER
Active VIP Member
if your uncle jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
heavy d
Active VIP Member
haha.....
whitegold
Active VIP Member
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Attachments
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Interesting piece of history.
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Phyer Phyter
Active VIP Member
Lobster Tail and Beer, three of my favorite things..........
I started out with nothing and I still have most if it left....
Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most...
I have gone out to find myself, If I should get back before I return, please have me sit and wait till I show up...
I love kids, I just dont know how to cook them...
Are you stuck on stupid?
My mother and father are brother and sister. Thats why I am so much alike!
I am not Schizophrenic, and neither am I...
I started out with nothing and I still have most if it left....
Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most...
I have gone out to find myself, If I should get back before I return, please have me sit and wait till I show up...
I love kids, I just dont know how to cook them...
Are you stuck on stupid?
My mother and father are brother and sister. Thats why I am so much alike!
I am not Schizophrenic, and neither am I...
shan
Active VIP Member
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye ..
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye ..
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
shan
Active VIP Member
Little Johnny is up to no good again ...................
Same Sex marriage
Michael and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think......
I gave him my airplane glue.'
Same Sex marriage
Michael and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think......
I gave him my airplane glue.'
shan
Active VIP Member
STRESS
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description then look at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on holiday.
No Need to Reply, I'll be on holiday!
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description then look at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on holiday.
No Need to Reply, I'll be on holiday!
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teeroy
Active VIP Member
whitegold
Active VIP Member
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa."
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa."
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Vet hint
You don't have to be a dog lover to think this is cute:
A dog lover, whose dog was a b!tch and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds; she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet responded, "hang up the phone and then place the phone down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked
"It just worked for me" he replied.
You don't have to be a dog lover to think this is cute:
A dog lover, whose dog was a b!tch and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds; she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet responded, "hang up the phone and then place the phone down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked
"It just worked for me" he replied.
Last edited by a moderator:
Phyer Phyter
Active VIP Member
Billy Bob and Skeeeter are sitting on the porch one nite after a long day of harvesting, Enjoying the warm moon lit night having an ice cold wobbly pop when Billy Bob spies the german shepard laying at the bottom of the steps licking himself where dogs are known to and says to Skeeeter " Ya know, I sure wish I could do that" Skeeeter reflects for a minute or two, takes a swig of his brew and replies "Dontcha think ya oughta getta know him better first?"
I will never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. Never ever again...
Every body brings joy. Some when they walk into a room and some when they leave.
Some people are like a slinky, kinda useless and not good for much.... but put a smile on your face as you watch them fall down the stairs...
and says to Skeeeter " Ya know, I sure wish I could do that" Skeeeter reflects for a minute or two, takes a swig of his brew and replies "Dontcha think ya oughta getta know him better first?"I will never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. Never ever again...
Every body brings joy. Some when they walk into a room and some when they leave.
Some people are like a slinky, kinda useless and not good for much.... but put a smile on your face as you watch them fall down the stairs...
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