Joke of the Day

[Harp]

A Guy Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful
Princess... Will you marry me?

The Princess said NO!

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and
scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

[grnboyz]

Senior Church Moment


A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, ' Mrs. Jones , whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,


'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'



Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

[whitegold]

An amazing quote....

 

[grnboyz]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC



A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%!
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.


" After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[grnboyz]

Apartment for Rent



A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: ' Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.


And then she wrote, So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

 

[Stillrockingabanshee]

LMAO i love this thread, makes me laugh every day

 

[grnboyz]

Adult store


Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the heck does religion have to do with it?'


Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

 

[grnboyz]

Should children witness childbirth?


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over
her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't
have crawled in there in the first place......smack him
again!"

 

[Summitric]

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN SASKATCHEWAN

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve RCMP Officers descend on Jack's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

 

[Harp]

A Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him a Newfie Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
A week later, she called the doctor, who enquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'O Lord jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'

 

[snopro59]

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
>
> She was delighted.
>
> I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
>
> She was ecstatic.
>
> I spent $2000 on liposuction for her
>
> and she was over the moon.
>
> I spent $30 on a blow job for myself
>
> and she goes' FRIGGIN' mental.
>
> Women!!
>

 

[magnet]

LHF:d

 

[Summitric]

i spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
>
> she was delighted.
>
> i spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
>
> she was ecstatic.
>
> i spent $2000 on liposuction for her
>
> and she was over the moon.
>
> i spent $30 on a blow job for myself
>
> and she goes' friggin' mental.
>
> women!!
>

ouch.......do i have to come in here and clean up the gals section too??? Jus sayin'

 

[Sledpiggy]

ouch.......do i have to come in here and clean up the gals section too??? Jus sayin'

Hey! I turn my back for a couple minutes....

 

[Summitric]

"WIDDLE WABBITS"













A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,




"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[grnboyz]

Skirt Zipper



As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled'How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends.'

 

[Summitric]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[Harp]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

 

[Harp]

 

[northern bear]

A bear and a rabbit were sitting in the forest one day taking a $hit
The bear looks over to the rabbit and says "Do you have a problem with $hit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "No I don't!"
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his a$$ with him!!