Joke of the Day

[Summitric]

THOUGHT YOU HORSEPOWER HONEY'S WOULD LIKE THIS ONE......



A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil Witches.
Don't mess with them

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

your probably right

no i got it! it was funny , i've just herd it so many times!

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

THOUGHT YOU HORSEPOWER HONEY'S WOULD LIKE THIS ONE......



A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil Witches.
Don't mess with them

Now that's funny right there.

 

[grnboyz]

It's Okay, He's One of Us


A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada.."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist. "
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What's a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi... I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."................

 

[grnboyz]

Catholic Golf


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He
missed the ball entirely and said "Chit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Chit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly..
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Chit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......


"Chit, I missed."

 

[teeroy]

2 great white sharks are swimming along one day when they notice a group of survivors in the ocean from a sinking ship. the father shark says "follow me, son"....

they swim over and the father says "first, we swim around them in circles with just our top fin showing..." and they do.

after swimming circles around them the father says "very good son! now we circle them with all our fins showing" and they did.

then after circling with all their fins showing, the son says "what do we do now, dad?" the father shark replies "now we go eat them all" and they did.

after gorging themselves until they were full, the son asks "dad, why didn't we just swim over and eat them all?" the wise old father shark replied "because they taste better with all the chit out of them."

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

2 great white sharks are swimming along one day when they notice a group of survivors in the ocean from a sinking ship. the father shark says "follow me, son"....

they swim over and the father says "first, we swim around them in circles with just our top fin showing..." and they do.

after swimming circles around them the father says "very good son! now we circle them with all our fins showing" and they did.

then after circling with all their fins showing, the son says "what do we do now, dad?" the father shark replies "now we go eat them all" and they did.

after gorging themselves until they were full, the son asks "dad, why didn't we just swim over and eat them all?" the wise old father shark replied "because they taste better with all the ch!t out of them."

It's pretty funny but it's a repeat....

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

It's pretty funny but it's a repeat....

you probably just did not get it!

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

you probably just did not get it!

That's hilarious.....

 

[teeroy]

It's pretty funny but it's a repeat....

my bad...just got it and thought it was a good'r

 

[mudd kitty]

A man dressed in Harley Davidson leathers is visiting the zoo in Toronto, Ontario when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries... to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Toronto Star reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The biker replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a police officer in town for the G20 and a Conservative.’ The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “CANADIAN COP ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”


Pretty much sums up the media these days.............

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

I refuse to watch the news. All that's ever on is bad things that are happening to people. Who wants to here about all the negativity?

 

[polcat]

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[mudd kitty]

Thanks for that last one!!! That is a gooder thanks Polcat

 

[whitegold]

life really boils down to two questions......

1 - Should i get a dog??.... or....
2 - Should i have children??....

 

[Mike270412]

At least one of each!!!

 

[whitegold]

HAHAHA.... that would make for double trouble!!!

 

[polcat]

What would you do?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

thats the best one yet!!!

 

[whitegold]

for the ladies....