Joke of the Day

[JayBec]

On a beautiful Sat.morning the whole family was downstairs having a awesome breakfast except for little blonde haired Sally,
she jumped up in the chair an says good morning to all, she looked over at Daddy an asks " did you bake a cake last night dad"
the father says " no sweetheart why'
little Sally says " oh, thats weird, cuz i just licked all the icing off the sheets"

 

[Summitric]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.


While her husband is off at work, she decides she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her

husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices she is wearing a heavy parka

and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her

if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies she wanted to prove to him not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

said...


You'll love this... I know you will...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

[Summitric]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 

[Summiteer]

Why a drover?

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 

[grnboyz]

How to stop church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home...and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

 

[Bogger]

Re: Joke of the Day

Summitric says he'll be at the camp-out............

 

[shan]

Re: Joke of the Day

Summitric says he'll be at the camp-out............

lmao

 

[grnboyz]

Are you my Daughter?


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked,
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

[grnboyz]

Can I Get a Haircut

A Newfie stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The Newfie left.
A few days later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The Newfie left.
A week later, the sameNewfie stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said 'About an hour and a half .'
The Newfie left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that Newfie and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that Darn newfie go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,..........

'Your house!

 

[Mike270412]

Re: Joke of the Day

Summitric says he'll be at the camp-out............

Now I don't care who you are,that right there is funny!!!!

 

[UkrainianMudKing]

The Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[grnboyz]

The Husband store joke has already been on here, this is a repeat.

 

[grnboyz]

Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.

 

[grnboyz]

The defective parrot


A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot? The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird .."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20,
just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot..
Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted..
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well,then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

 

[Summitric]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreamswere going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

 

[Ryano]

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKveOsIieHg[/media]

 

[arcticdodge]

A father and son were talking. The boy told his dad that mom said, " in some countries you don't know your wife until you are married." To which the father replied, that happen's in all countries.:d

 

[flatlandguy]

The defective parrot


A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot? The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird .."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20,
just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot..
Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted..
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well,then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

I don't know where you people get all these from..... but dam there funny!!!

 

[flatlandguy]

A father and son were talking. The boy told his dad that mom said, " in some countries you don't know your wife until you are married." To which the father replied, that happen's in all countries.:d

This is not a joke.... just plain truth.

 

[grnboyz]

Two ladies talking in heaven.............cute!


...1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
...2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
....1st woman: I froze to death.
...2nd woman: How horrible!
...1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
...2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
...1st woman: So, what happened?
...2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

...1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.