Joke of the Day

[JaySimon]

A big biker decides he wants to go out for a walk, and leashes up his pitbull.

While walking around, he opts to stop at his favourite pub for a quick beer, so he ties his dog up around the parking meter and goes inside.

Before his beer is finished a smaller guy walks in and starts talking to the biker real fast...
"you've got to hurry up, my chiwawa is killing your dog!"

"How could that be?" the biker replied

"He got stuck in your dogs throat."

 

[Summitric]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?

 

[whitegold]

I love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets..

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

 

[whitegold]

Jet skis are not for everyone....
Sorta gives new meaning to the terms
Low Rider, High Tide & Full Moon...
not to mention
Crack Kills!

 

[Murminator]

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your azz?" The grandson replied, "No!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your azzhole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"

"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your azz?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fcuk yourself!", said the grandson.

 

[Sofa king]

How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

 

[Powder Puff]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[OVERKILL 19]

Here's the worst joke of the day!!!!

What file does it take to file a hole this big "o"















































Pedophile!


Told ya it was bad!

 

[Richadge]

A little fella was sitting on a park bench eating a Mars bar. He had eaten a handful of them based on all the wrappers on the ground near him. An old man walking by stopped and said " you know, eating that many chocolate bars is not good for you!".
The little boy replied " My grandfather lived to be 98 years old you know".

"Did you grandfather eat lots of chocolate bars too?" asked the old man.

"No", replied the little boy. "He minded his own fawkin' business!".

 

[whitegold]

Stay out of the bars if you can't tell the difference between a female and a shemale...

try this test.....

 

[whitegold]

-----

SCREEN CLEANER

I have only recently learned that all computer screens on the inside are covered with bacteria, dust, germs, etc. that can be dangerous to your health.

This is caused by a variety of reasons and it can prove to be a health hazard for everyone that uses the computer Some at the CDC in Atlanta have recently said that this problem can be as dangerous as cigarette smoking because of the time that most of us are now spending on computers for work and personal reasons.

As a special present to each of you, I am providing you with the link special program at no cost to you to correct this fast growing potential health problem.

Click on this link to clean the inside of your screen:

[media]Http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf[/media]

 

[Sofa king]

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

 

[whitegold]

Now this is called total disclosure!!!

 

[Sofa king]

Now this is called total disclosure!!!

Boy that will help him get top dollar.

 

[Cyle]

Countdown until that post is gone anyone?

 

[BIGFOOT]

I removed it and sent a pm.

 

[Cyle]

Hey can remove my bash on him so i dont look like a douche to the great joke posters?

Wouldn't you want this post removed to then?

 

[Summiteer]

Hey can remove my bash on him so i dont look like a douche to the great joke posters?

you can delete your own posts under edit

 

[Polarblu]

Wouldn't you want this post removed to then?

Thanks guys, i didnt know.

 

[whitegold]

Ok... now that we have that cleared up ... lets move on to something cute...


"NO, I haven't seen your lipstick."