Joke of the Day

[grnboyz]

Colored Panties

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear any panties...'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

'Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,' the third lady said,
cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first

 

[grnboyz]

Mixed emotions


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

 

[Throttle*Queen]

Electric Train


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pizzed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

 

[grnboyz]

Women are so much better at financial planning than men


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[grnboyz]

Breast Implants and Viagra


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[arcticdodge]

A Hutterite elder took his daughter to the doctor. he asked the Dr. for some birth control pills for her. The Dr. asked if she was sexually active, and the Elder replied "No" she just lays there like her mother. :d



Hopefully no offence to anyone, even you Bogger:d

 

[grnboyz]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES


The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ch!t!!!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ch!t! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free,
and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

 

[HONDA310R]

8 ways vodka is better for women than cawks!

Vodka is always stiff.
It doesnt look smaller in the cold.
It lasts as long as you want it to.
Vodka doesnt prod you in the back in the morning demanding attention.
You dont care how far down your throat vodka goes.
You can have as many vodkas as you like in 1 night without being "easy". You can enjoy a vodka in front of your Mum
and last but not least...
Vodka is always a pleasure to swallow!

 

[HONDA310R]

4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke- Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup- Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil- AliveSo the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

 

[SNOWPUSHER]

LOL these are awesome

 

[pipes]

Joke of the Year - 2010


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business

 

[team dirt]

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar
when he gets a call on his cellphone.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25
pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average
folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of that typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his LaBatts beer,

wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,

leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

God Bless Saskatchewan !!!

 

[team dirt]

Three native ladies are sittin around comparing there men. One lady suggests they compare them to different types of pop.

first lady says, My Ernie is like 7 up. Every morning at 7 he is up and ready to go.

second lady says, well my franky he is like mountain dew cause he likes to mount and dew me.

The third lady says well my Johnny is like Jack Daniels.
The first lady interupts and says, that is not a pop,that is a hard liquor.

The third lady says U BET.

 

[shan]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things: 1) Religion 2)Sexuality 3) Mystery

This is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it".

 

[Sofa king]

It seems my fav thread is dead

 

[shan]

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

It seems my fav thread is dead

seems like it....

 

[shan]

Ted was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ted got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ted has been missing since Friday.

 

[team dirt]

What does Sigfried and the tiger have in common?

































They Both know what Roy tastes like.

 

[UkrainianMudKing]

Marriage Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'



-------------------------------



Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



------------------------------



Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'



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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '