Joke of the Day

[ktm 13-44]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!

 

[Sofa king]

Why Men Die First?




Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation!!



If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.



If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.



If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.



If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.



If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.



If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.


If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.



If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.



If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.



If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.



If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.



If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.



If you're proud of your achievements... you're full of yourself. If you are not proud ... you're not ambitious.



If she has a headache . she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.



If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.



Why do men die first ?




Because they want to

 

[Summitric]

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[ktm 13-44]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head...

In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[Summitric]

Bill had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years, so he eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.'

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the tailor, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Bill thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The tailor eyed Bill and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Bill tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and then the tailor asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Bill thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The tailor said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The tailor shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'




New suit - $399
New shirt - $40
New underwear - $15
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[grnboyz]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him..
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!


She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

 

[ktm 13-44]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

 

[-LadyDirt-]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

lol Johnny this joke was already posted in this thread!:d

 

[ktm 13-44]

lol Johnny this joke was already posted in this thread!:d

Fo Shiz??? My bad! I thought i'd read 'em all and hadnt recognized it.

 

[-LadyDirt-]

for shizzle my nizzle..

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

for shizzle my nizzle..

whaaaaaaaaaa???????

 

[koby]

A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the Doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic and the new little family was able to go home from hospital immediately after the birth..

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

[koby]

See how long this lasts. Most of mine get deleted.

 

[Sledpiggy]

See how long this lasts. Most of mine get deleted.

Whats wrong with that joke? It was funny

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

Whats wrong with that joke? It was funny

i must be stupid i dont get it! anyone mind explaining?

 

[dooryder]

the mail man boned the wife, get it now?

 

[grnboyz]

The 11th Husband...



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was aSales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... (God I miss him!)
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?


You're with the GOVERNMENT
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

the mail man boned the wife, get it now?

hahahahaha thanks man!

 

[koby]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[*xo*]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The
Brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"