Joke of the Day
- Thread starter *xo*
- Start date
Taminator
Active VIP Member
Pffttt....that's only the introduction...there are 10 more chalkboards just like that out of view
mudd kitty
Active VIP Member
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
mudd kitty
Active VIP Member
> > GOOD HUSBAND?
> >
> > Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
> > company's Christmas
> > Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
> > didn't taste like
> > alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home
> > from the party.
> >
> > As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
> > wrong.
> >
> > Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
> > thing he sees is a
> > couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
> > table. And, next to
> > them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
> > clothing in front of him,
> > all clean and pressed.
> >
> > He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
> > order, spotlessly
> > clean. So is the rest of the house.
> >
> > He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
> > eye staring back at
> > him in the bathroom mirror.
> >
> > Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
> > written in red with
> > little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
> > lipstick:
> >
> > "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
> > groceries to make you
> > your favourite dinner tonight.
> >
> > I love you, darling!
> >
> > Love, Jillian"
> >
> >
> > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
> > breakfast, steaming
> > hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
> >
> >
> >
> > His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack
> > asks, "Son... What
> > happened last night?"
> >
> > "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
> > mind you fell over
> > the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
> > hallway, and got that
> > black eye when you ran into the door.
> >
> > Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
> > perfect order and
> > so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
> > waiting for me??"
> >
> > His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the
> > bedroom, and when she
> > tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
> >
> > "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
> >
> >
> >
> > Broken Coffee Table $239.99
> >
> > Hot Breakfast $4.20
> >
> > Two Aspirins $.38
> >
> > Saying the right thing, at the right time.....PRICELESS
> >
> > Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
> > company's Christmas
> > Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
> > didn't taste like
> > alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home
> > from the party.
> >
> > As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
> > wrong.
> >
> > Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
> > thing he sees is a
> > couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
> > table. And, next to
> > them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
> > clothing in front of him,
> > all clean and pressed.
> >
> > He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
> > order, spotlessly
> > clean. So is the rest of the house.
> >
> > He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
> > eye staring back at
> > him in the bathroom mirror.
> >
> > Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
> > written in red with
> > little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
> > lipstick:
> >
> > "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
> > groceries to make you
> > your favourite dinner tonight.
> >
> > I love you, darling!
> >
> > Love, Jillian"
> >
> >
> > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
> > breakfast, steaming
> > hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
> >
> >
> >
> > His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack
> > asks, "Son... What
> > happened last night?"
> >
> > "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
> > mind you fell over
> > the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
> > hallway, and got that
> > black eye when you ran into the door.
> >
> > Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
> > perfect order and
> > so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
> > waiting for me??"
> >
> > His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the
> > bedroom, and when she
> > tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
> >
> > "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
> >
> >
> >
> > Broken Coffee Table $239.99
> >
> > Hot Breakfast $4.20
> >
> > Two Aspirins $.38
> >
> > Saying the right thing, at the right time.....PRICELESS
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
The truth about Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ch!t.'
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ch!t.'
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Irish fire Fighter
Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to
New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the
Building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories
up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the
Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints
To Drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a
Man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy
Catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even
Attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to
New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the
Building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories
up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the
Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints
To Drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a
Man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy
Catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even
Attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
thunder44
Active VIP Member
Square Testicles
An elderly lady walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lenghthy discussions(after all the client is always right) an employee took the elderly women to the presidents office.
The president of the bank asked how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied $165,000. The president was curious and asked how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly women replied that she made bets.
The president was suprised and asked "What kind of bets?"
The elderly women replied, " Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the women that is was impossible to win a bet like that.
The women never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said " Would you like to take my bet.
"Certainly" replied the president " I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.
"Done", the elderly answered." But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness. "No problem" said the president of bank confidently.
That night , the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examing his testicles, turning them this way and that .Checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that no way could he lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly women arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowleged the $25,000 bet made the day before ,that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly women asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly women came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president."Given the amount of money involved, you should be %100 sure.
The elderly women did so with a little smile.Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly women why he was doing that and she replied, " Oh , it probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada.
Hope you all laughed as hard as I did, just proves never under estimate women LOL
An elderly lady walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lenghthy discussions(after all the client is always right) an employee took the elderly women to the presidents office.
The president of the bank asked how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied $165,000. The president was curious and asked how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly women replied that she made bets.
The president was suprised and asked "What kind of bets?"
The elderly women replied, " Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the women that is was impossible to win a bet like that.
The women never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said " Would you like to take my bet.
"Certainly" replied the president " I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.
"Done", the elderly answered." But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness. "No problem" said the president of bank confidently.
That night , the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examing his testicles, turning them this way and that .Checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that no way could he lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly women arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowleged the $25,000 bet made the day before ,that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly women asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly women came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president."Given the amount of money involved, you should be %100 sure.
The elderly women did so with a little smile.Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly women why he was doing that and she replied, " Oh , it probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada.
Hope you all laughed as hard as I did, just proves never under estimate women LOL
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Blonde in a Blizzard
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she
was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she
was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
- Moderator
- #90
Baptizing A Drunk Edmontonian
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk i n the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'</ B>
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk i n the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'</ B>
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
The stranded Newfie
One day a Newfie, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Newfie and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Newfie.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Oh me nerves," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Newfie Screech?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Newfie. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Newfie fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jees, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
One day a Newfie, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Newfie and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Newfie.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Oh me nerves," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Newfie Screech?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Newfie. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Newfie fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jees, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
GYMBRAT
Active VIP Member
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?
........when she fits your wifes clothes
LMFAO!!! shoulda seen the look I got from telling my wife this on..woh!!
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Originally Posted by koby
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?
........when she fits your wifes clothes
I Don't think it matters on this one who you tell, the wife or the girlfriend, I think the outcome will be the same!!!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?
........when she fits your wifes clothes
LMFAO!!! shoulda seen the look I got from telling my wife this on..woh!!
I Don't think it matters on this one who you tell, the wife or the girlfriend, I think the outcome will be the same!!!
imdoo'n
Active VIP Member
no SEX for you
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Personal Ad
A lonely widow, age 65, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60-70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
A lonely widow, age 65, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60-70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Go Fly a Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite..."
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite..."
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you chit on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you chit on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Last edited by a moderator:
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
The Other Bag
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of
your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot and on game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of
your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot and on game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
TheLonelyIsland
Active VIP Member
hahahahahahahaha simply awesome! lol good joke!
grnboyz
Active VIP Member
TOO OLD TO SQUAT
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied: "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied: "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
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