Joke of the Day

[grnboyz]

Blind man walks into a bar




A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[*xo*]

​

A married man was having an affair

With his secretary.

One day they went to her place

And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

And told his lover to take his shoes

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

Be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

About to be cremated,

And made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

Stuffed it into his briefcase,

And took it home.

'I have something to show

You won't believe,' he said to his wife,

Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'





The 5th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

Her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

​

:d

 

[*xo*]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
Nuts.'

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
Nuts.'

your hilarious!!!!!!:d

 

[GasCan]

You Don't Know $hit

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

 

[*xo*]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".



And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

 

[*xo*]

DON'T LIE TO KIDS!!!



A guy is sunbathing nude at the beach.
A little girl comes up to him, so he covers his privates with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?'
The man says, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
He wakes up in a hospital and in great pain.
A doctor & a policeman are at his bed, and the
Dr. Asks, "Do you remember what happened?"
The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep
after talking to a little girl."

The policeman says "I asked her what happened..

She said, 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping,

I played with his bird.

Then it spit at me! ...so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed

its two little eggs!"

 

[*xo*]

Pants vs Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said,''Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-azz attitude, you never will.'
:d

 

[koby]

So it's Tom & Linda's wedding night.
Linda un-dresses quick & jumps in bed.
Tom starts un-dressing.
He drops his pants and Linda says "what happened to your knee's?"
Tom says "when I was a kid I had kneesels"
"Don't you mean measels" Linda said.
"Nope Kneesels" say Tom.
He them takes of his socks.
"Oh God" Linda says, "what happened to your toes?"
"Toelio" says Tom
"You must mean polio" she asks.
"Nope Toelio" Tom replies.
So Tom takes off his gonchies, and Linda blurts out.

"Let me guess, small c0cks?"

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

not to be a kiss a$$ but this thread makes my day!

 

[arcticdodge]

Little Johnny was bothering his parents to take him to see the neighbors new born baby. The parents kept telling him "NO" because it was born without ears and the parents were very upset about it. Johnny finally said that he wouldn't say anything about the ears. So his parents finally took him over. Little Johnny asked about the heatlh, was it a boy or girl? Then he asked about it's eyesight, to which the parents replied was 20/20. Suddenly Johnny said "Good F%^@)g thing, there's no way a pair of glasses would stay on.:d

 

[*xo*]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone. "And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

 

[xc_rider08]

great thread!!!!!

 

[xc_rider08]

not exactly a joke.. but definitely funny (seen it on another site)

for all of us guys on the site

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot..

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or pi$$ in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free a$$ passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-a$$ed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

 

[*xo*]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

:d

 

[*xo*]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are
all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I
need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all
Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.':d

 

[*xo*]

Workers
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

She would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,

then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,

one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.


An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it

-- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,

'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

 

[koby]

Little girl is digging a big hole.
Little boy asks what ya doing
little girl says buring my goldfish
Little boy asks why such a big hole
Little girls says to fit the fuggin cat that ate it

 

[TheLonelyIsland]

not a joke , a bumper sticker , "canada , you cant smoke a fag but you can marry one!!!!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[GasCan]

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.



They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer.