Required: Sense of humor

my mod

Active VIP Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2008
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
706
Location
Water Valley....Gone from McMurray!!!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.



One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.








As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You
know what?'



'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.


'I think you're bad luck... get the phuk away from me.'
 

my mod

Active VIP Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2008
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
706
Location
Water Valley....Gone from McMurray!!!
Have You Ever Danced?




An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.




The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.




He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"




The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.




The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.




The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.




The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.




The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.




The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
 

my mod

Active VIP Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2008
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
706
Location
Water Valley....Gone from McMurray!!!
What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

>

>

>

> 1- Remove your lap top from its bag

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 3- Turn it on

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 5- Turn on the Internet

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze

> upwards to the skies as if in prayer

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 7- Take a deep breath and open this site

>

>

>

>
 

whitegold

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2010
Messages
1,508
Reaction score
1,043
Location
Smithers, B.C.
What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

>

>

>

> 1- Remove your lap top from its bag

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 3- Turn it on

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 5- Turn on the Internet

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze

> upwards to the skies as if in prayer

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 7- Take a deep breath and open this site

>

>

>

>


TOO FUNNY!!!! I love it!!! :d
 

whitegold

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2010
Messages
1,508
Reaction score
1,043
Location
Smithers, B.C.
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."


"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment satisfying her
...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".


The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
 

PEAK SEEKER

Active VIP Member
Joined
Sep 24, 2009
Messages
2,789
Reaction score
16
Location
Dalmeny
:d
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."


"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment satisfying her
...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".


The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."


That's too funny!!
 

dooryder

XP V.I.P. Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
4,072
Reaction score
98
Location
Blue river/ edmonton
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
 

Summitric

SUPER COOL MOD & Supporting Vendor
Moderator
Joined
Oct 21, 2006
Messages
48,075
Reaction score
32,180
Location
Edmonton/Sherwood Park
Website
www.bumpertobumper.ca
(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil Witches.
Don't mess with them
 

RETODD

Active VIP Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2008
Messages
7,317
Reaction score
210
Location
The business end of a Beer!
Website
www.valemountvacationrental.com
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you forfor thatthat. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."





"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
 

my mod

Active VIP Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2008
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
706
Location
Water Valley....Gone from McMurray!!!
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at
another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is
Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a
pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking
him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: "My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had
all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying
to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Fugg off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"
 

whitegold

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2010
Messages
1,508
Reaction score
1,043
Location
Smithers, B.C.
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
 

my mod

Active VIP Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2008
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
706
Location
Water Valley....Gone from McMurray!!!
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"..and be ready for China .




Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...


Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"
 

Crazy8

Active VIP Member
Joined
Dec 8, 2008
Messages
465
Reaction score
326
Location
Beaumont
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and
to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fu@*ing wall."
 

Modman

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
6,032
Reaction score
8,459
Location
Castlegar
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 

JaySimon

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2009
Messages
2,396
Reaction score
2,102
Location
Kimberley BC
Not sure if this has been posted. Either way, here goes;


A heads up for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers in the area. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your bags into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also July 1st, 5th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each.
 

Throttle*Queen

Active VIP Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2009
Messages
319
Reaction score
33
Location
Alberta Beach
Always check your kids homework!

Grade one children were asked to draw a picture of there moms at work...
large_dontforget.jpg
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mom actually worked at home depot and was selling a shovel! lol
 
Top Bottom