Required: Sense of humor

[RMK Junky]

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

 

[my mod]

Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him
and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from
school he would really like to get a car.



His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes
him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says,
"This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as
soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."



The boy was not too happy but he understood and said,
"Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr.
old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.



Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the
tractor is paid for...."



Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a
tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted
with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of
the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off
the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad says, standing
near by says, "Son, why would you do something like
that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve
that."



The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around
here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"

 

[my mod]

"FATHER OF THE YEAR"




A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
“Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”



I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

 

[my mod]

10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life




1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.




2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.




3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.




4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.




5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.




6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.




7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.




8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.




9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.




10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other







Sincerely,




Tiger Woods

 

[carter.c]

how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two but i dont know how they got in there

 

[my mod]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

 

[RMK Junky]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over..

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little ch!t.

 

[my mod]

Deeply profound thoughts by men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months..'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

 

[goodngrubby]

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day,
when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following
along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you want to go
for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "I will give you
$10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries
down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm
feeling generous today! I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if
you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams
out. . .

"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!
So ride it by yourself!"

 

[arff]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a

man crying on the side of the road and pulls over..

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, " Don 't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..










(This is bad!)



(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)



(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!

 

[arff]

A papa mole, a mama mole,
And a baby mole all live together
In a little mole hole.



One day, papa mole sticks
His head
Out of the hole, sniffs the air


And said,
'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head
Out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying
To stick his head
Out of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't
Because the bigger moles
Are in the way.
This makes him whine,
'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLEASSES!

 

[goodngrubby]

Tools explained:


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, s---!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY- ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms, also serving as a handy chisel.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, while being worn, along with any thing else, except for what really needs cut, due to the fact that they are usually dull.

Son of a b*&ch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a b*&ch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[my mod]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders




EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'




'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.




'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 

[my mod]

UNIVERSAL LAWS



Now tell me you haven't been victim of each and every one of these Laws?


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly (jam/marmalade) sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don 't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[arff]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Chile , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to Hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day!

 

[albertagal500]

ANOTHER WILD WAXING
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one
of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP.

Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off.

" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the
laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

[arff]

Income Tax 2010

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the auditor was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[my mod]

CANADA AND USA IN TROUBLE !!!

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Dell and Rogers customer service reps.
It's getting ugly folks.

 

[my mod]

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.





Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

 

[my mod]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE