Required: Sense of humor

[tripster]

[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]A fight breaks out at a wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter.
"Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"
Johnny speaks up, "Well ya sees judge, at a Newfie wedding, its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]So, I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy (the groom) didn't take too kindly to that. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"
"Right in the pussy?"The judge cringes as he says,"That musta hurt."
Johnny says, "Hurt, ?? [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]....Broke three of me damn fingers..[/FONT]
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[winterax]

n the world of romance,

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!!!

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)

Social Engagements:

Party:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college
drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Sports car (-10)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-800)

The Big Question:

She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

NOTE: Here there is no correct answers

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20

 

[tripster]

The lawyer says to the CEO: "I have some good news and, I have some bad
news."

The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she
figures are worth a minimum of $2 million..."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed! You've
just made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you having sex with your
secretary."

 

[winterax]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from
the Neighborhood Watch.

I've raised two Pakistani flags in the front yard, one at each corner,
and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret
Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month

 

[007sevens]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[winterax]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Olie said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"

"Now wot vud you say?

 

[Bigblack]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.


The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"


They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.


"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.


"One of the girls must have died.”

 

[tripster]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with parenting these days. Kids today don't

even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I
will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her:
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your azz, you grouchy old bitch!"













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[snochuk]

German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits andbefore long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a pantherheading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh,oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by,he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to theapproaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherdexclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts hisattack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away intothe trees.

"Whew!" says the panther,"That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watchingthe whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to gooduse and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther,spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being madea fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's goingto happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees thepanther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I goingto do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to hisattackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enoughto hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him offan hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with ageand experience.

 

[green-horn]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt
to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a
short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping
a glass of wine

At a strategic moment she uncrossed her legs wide enough
that her husband asked, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes, I am!" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God, I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming.

 

[green-horn]

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think "OH ****.......IT'S THE COPS"

 

[d mills]

Sanctions against Canada & THE U.S.A.

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada and the United States that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Canada and America’s only supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next!

This will be followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.
It's getting ugly folks!

 

[john s]

Sent from my iPhone while wishing the snow was gone so I can go dirt biking.

 

[Trashy]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck, when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield

To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids. "my what a big insect"

To which her 7 year old says..... "I'm surprised it could fly, with a dick that big!"

 

[d mills]

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.


"Where did you get that from?" I asked.


"British Columbia . . . There's friggin "thousands of 'em!" . . . said the Parrot.

 

[SUMMIT TREE]

A man has lost his arm in a horrible industrial accident. One day he is contacted by a company claiming he was referred to them by his doctor. They have invented a voice activated robotic arm and needed test subjects for some trial runs. The man agrees to the experiment and by the end of the week is sporting his new limb. After a couple weeks he figures he pretty much has this arm figured out and decides he's gonna try taking a leak using only the electronic arm. So he goes into the can and says unzip,and the arm responds by unzipping his fly,so far so good he thinks, ok whip it out ,to which the arm does as told. As he's doing his business he notices a skin mag on the back of the toilet and gets a new idea...Arm... Jerk it off......

 

[SUMMIT TREE]

A dairy farmer who's family is away for awhile is feeling A bit lonely and goes out to the barn. He opens up the door and looks at his brand new state of the art milk master 9000 with a glint in his eye , and decides he needs to "try" this machine out. So he does his business and goes to leave but the machine won't come off him,and after trying everything he can possibly think of ,still no luck. With no other options he phones the 1800 help line on the machine and explains to the operator on the line ,I've got the machine on my uhhh,cow, but it won't disconnect. The cheerful person on the other end replies oh no worries sir,it will automatically release once the full 10 litres has been collected..........

 

[Dragonalain]

Can't believe it's on YouTube lol.

Orgasm from all around the world [HD] - YouTube


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[winterax]

I just finished reading "150 Things To Do Before You Die". I was surprised to see yelling for help wasn't one of them.

 

[green-horn]

On average, a North American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.