Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last @!@$** thing we need."

 

[green-horn]

Blind Pilot
A blind man was flying in a small plane when his brother, the pilot, suddenly
clutched his chest and died. After finally finding the radio & figuring
out how to operate it, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air
traffic controller at a near by airport. "You've got to help me! I'm totally
blind, the pilot of this plane is dead and we are flying upside down!" The
air traffic controller, thinking he had a possible nut on his hands, answered,
"I under stand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are
blind, how do you know you are flying upside down?" "Because I have $hit
running up my neck!"

 

[tripster]

Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[jjack]

ha ha ha

 

[whoDEANie]

 

[Bnorth]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g
titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep chit."










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[Bnorth]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"​

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She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn,

... And now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

 

[whoDEANie]

 

[imdoo'n]

had a friggin crappy day today

went to button up my shirt, button fell off
went to open the door, the handle fell off
haven't been able to take a pee all day!

 

[Joholio]

So this old guy walks in a pub and sits right up to the bar and tells the waitress to line up twelve shots of wiskey. He starts slammin em back and the waitress tells him he'd better take it easy. He finishes the last one a says " if you had what I had, you wouldn't give a **** either" so she asks "what doo you have?" to which he replied "$1.50"

 

[parts]

 

[Joholio]

So a big group of bikers is rollin down the hiway when they come up to a bridge with traffic stopped, police cars and onlookers everywhere, and a beautiful girl standing on the rail threatening to jump. So the leader of the bikers gets off and walks right thru the crowd, past the police line and asks the girl "if you're gona jump why don't you give me your best goodbye kiss?" So she leans in a lays a big wet sloppy french kiss on the old gruff biker. He says "that was the best kiss I've ever got, if you rode with me, you could be famous! Why doo you want to commit suicide?"


She replies "my parents hate me dressing up like a girl" lol

 

[Joholio]

What steps doo u take in an H2S emergency?






****ing large ones!

 

[green-horn]

Three ducks go into a bar:



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked..

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

 

[green-horn]

The Will







Doug Jones is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.


His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.


He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:


My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""


My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""


My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."


"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the a$$hole has a paper route!"

 

[winterax]

We got this neighbour and his dog keeps crapping in our garden. The other half said, "Get a shovel and throw it over the fence". I did that. But the crap is still in our garden and the neighbour has my shovel...

 

[green-horn]

The Saskatchewan Cow

The only cow in a small town in Alberta stopped giving milk. The
people did some research & found they could buy a cow from
Saskatchewan for $200.
So they bought the cow from Saskatchewan & the cow was wonderful. It
produced lots of milk all of the time, & the people were pleased &
very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow &
produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again. They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with
their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow,
the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the
cow would move away from the bull & he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian,
who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If
he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her
from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side & she walks
away to the other side."
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Saskatchewan ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you
know we got the cow in Saskatchewan ?"
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Saskatchewan .."

 

[green-horn]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties
while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to
his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I
have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools
down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at
the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that $hit."

 

[green-horn]

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons,

and memories came flooding back of the time

I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

 

[green-horn]

Justin Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a

grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to

words and their meanings.>



The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the

discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Party Leader

asked the class

for an example of a 'tragedy'.



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives

on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills

him, that would be a tragedy."



"No," said Trudeau, "that would be an accident."



A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."



"I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau. "That's what we would call a great

loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched

the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"



Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The

teacher held her breath.



In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Trudeau was

struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that

would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau, "That's right. And can you tell me

why that would be a tragedy?"



Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell

wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be

an accident either!"