Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Ah, the wisdom of old age … Sex With Older Men​ ​ ​ ​ When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.​ ​ Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?​ You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'​ ​ George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do​ when I do it.'​ ​ Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'​ George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'​ ​ Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'​ ​ ​ ​ So they had sex and when they finished,​ Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'​ ​ George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'​ Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'​ George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour.​ You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'​ ​ When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.​ ​ ​ ​ She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time.​ At your age, Oh my, Oh my!'​ ​ George told her that the third time would be even better.​ ​ 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'​ Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'​ ​ ​ ​ George replied,​ 'No, but the last time I slept with a black woman she stole my wallet!'​

 

[ferniesnow]

 

[Bnorth]

Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower:



As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.




As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, 'Well, ch!t, someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.




Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.




John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?' 'Jim's wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.




'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'




'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Jim's widow."




She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'




Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'







Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.

 

[Bnorth]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was

too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

 

[ferniesnow]

 

[imdoo'n]

not sure if it's true but i hears somwhere

that sex is like bridge,


if ya don't have a good partner,


ya better have a good hand

 

[Bnorth]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked. . . "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[winterax]

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a-hole when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[ferniesnow]

 

[Ron H]

 

[Ron H]

 

[shawn.t]

When you buy a new bike, check the seat color first!

 

[eclipse1966]

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were
overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

​

 

[my mod]

The wife left a noteon the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my Mother"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold
....What the heck is she talking about?

 

[snochuk]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.' The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for? The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy. I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year!'

 

[green-horn]

It's a funny world we live in
We had Empires run by Emperors,
then we had Kingdoms run by Kings.
Now, we have Countries ........

 

[d mills]

Thought this was pretty good.....

 

[shan]

you know will know what the video is about, just by watching it

So papa, how do you like the iPad we got you? - Snotr

 

[ferniesnow]

I can relate to that one! Thanks, Shan

 

[ferniesnow]