Required: Sense of humor

[ferniesnow]

Layoff Letter​

​

​

No wonder this guy is the boss. He is sharp!


You can't be any fairer than this leader.



Dear Employees:



As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Darrell Dexter is our Nova Scotia Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.



But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead.


This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family, here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.



So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lotand found 60 'NDP bumper stickers' on our employees cars … and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go.


I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.


They voted for change, so I gave it to them.


I'll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!!!
​

​

​

 

[my mod]

The wit of the Scots

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

 

[eclipse1966]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ch!t on your lap."

 

[my mod]

> The LoveDress
>
> A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
> She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
>
> She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totallynaked.
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
>
> "What are you doing?!" she asked.
>
> "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
>
> "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
> "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
>
> "Love dress? But you're naked!"
>
> "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," sheexplained."It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. Hecan't get enough of me"
>
> The mother-in-law left.
>
> When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for herhusband to arrive.
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> "What are you doing?" he asked.
>
> "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
>
> "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
>

 

[green-horn]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us...

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.




The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............







You'll like this

















NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[green-horn]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do.

She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said: "You might
find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked
their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said: "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought: "This is what you sent to help me?"
However, she was desperate.
She was also very thankful!
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication
and I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you
use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said: "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said: "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON
yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried
out loud: "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!"

 

[green-horn]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing
alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to
him. 'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you
know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the ____ goalie'

 

[eclipse1966]

Murder or Suicide..... You be the Judge

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge.... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.


Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does....

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…

 

[whitegold]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implantthat can store and play music!

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because



for generations of women have been complaining about



men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[eclipse1966]

To:
>
>
> Date: Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 3:18 PM
>
> A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the
> Canadian Government, complaining about the treatment of captive
> insurgents
> (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National
> Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter
> correspondence.
> She received back the following reply:
>
> National Defense Headquarters
>
> M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
> 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
> Canada
>
> Dear Concerned Citizen,
>
> Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound
> concern of the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists
> captured by
>
> Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the
> Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan
> officials in
> Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
>
> Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
> opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased
> to
> learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
> we are creating a new department here at the Department of National
> Defense,
> to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
> program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
>
> In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
> have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal
> care.
>
> Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled
> for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
> Toronto
> next Monday.
>
> Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him
> Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally
> demanded in
> your letter of complaint!
>
> It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
> assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
> that your standards of
> care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
> strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and
> extremely violent,
> we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as
> his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character
> flaws.
>
> Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as
> mere cultural differences.
>
> We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
> schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
> hand-to-hand combat and
>
> can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
> pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
> demonstrate these skills at your
>
> next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends,
> neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get
> agitated or even violent, but
> we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert
> at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
> products, so
> you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in
> your opinion) this might offend him.
>
> Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your
> daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form
> of property thereby having
>
> no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This
> is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
> to show violent tendencies around women who fail to
> comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more
> appropriate attire.
>
> I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by
> the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting
> his
> culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
>
> Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it
> when folks like you keep us informed of the
> proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You
> take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
>
> Good luck and God bless you.
>
> Cordially,
>
> Gordon O'Connor
>
> Minister of National Defense
>
>

 

[snochuk]

MY FIRST TIME... It was my first time ever And I'll Never forget I'd do it Again Without a Single regret. The sky was Dark The moon Was high We were all Alone Just she And I. Her hair Was soft Her eyes Were blue I knew just What She wanted To do. Her skin so Soft Her legs so Fine I ran my Fingers Down her Spine. I didn't Know how But I tried My best I started By placing My hands on Her breast I remember My fear My fast Beating heart But slowly She spread Her legs Apart. And when I Did it I felt no shame All at Once The white Stuff came. At last it's finished It's all Over now My first Time ever At milking A cow... NOW ALL YOU DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS... ​

 

[green-horn]

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH (see #8)

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

8. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT

 

[snochuk]

> > An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. > > > > 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last > > confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.' > > > > The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three > > Hail Mary's.' > > > > Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, > > it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with > > Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.' > > > > This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?' > > > > 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. > > > > 'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. > > > > At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver > > the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman > > entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon > > her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of > > the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore > > matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. > > > > The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress > > and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but > > just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. > > > > The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, > > > > 'Is that Kitty Green?' > > > > The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, > > > > 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'. > >

 

[snochuk]

Subject: God Said......

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something forme."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's avalley?"
God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Crossthe river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to thehill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said.... "What's a headache?"

 

[Summiteer]

If women are so good at multi-tasking, why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time?

 

[winterax]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.The chief screams, "What are you doing?"The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, azzhole!"

 

[snochuk]

THE CARINGGRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket isfollowing a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he hashis hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuitsin the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is workinghis way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't belong . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hearsthe granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutesand we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the littleterror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in acontrolled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goesoutside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into thecar.

She said to the elderlygentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. Idon’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, andno matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying thingswould be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said thegrandfather, "but I'm William. . . The little ch!t's name is Kevin."

 

[winterax]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him, of course she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said: "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said: "Honey? Please Just one more time.She agreed, then afterward she rolled and fell asleep."Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until it was down to only four more hours.He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we ...?".His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said: "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and go to work while you don't!."

 

[winterax]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one."Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must happened"."I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend!"The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?"The guy answers: "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through, pack your bag's and get out, I told her!""What about your friend?" asks the bartender."I looked him straight in the eye and said: Bad Dog!"

 

[winterax]

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!