Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

>A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'mpregnant."
>
> He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
>
> She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
>
> The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think thishas anything to do with the Second Coming?"
>
> She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."
>

 

[snochuk]

There are three types of people in the world

Some are good at math.
And some aren’t.

 

[my mod]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! We call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People . The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely Soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ch!t. ​

 

[my mod]

A woman goesout shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says; No chancelove, they`re way too expensive.
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husbandtries his luck and places his hand on her hip.
She turns to him and says. Idon`t think so mate.
Ifyou`re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren`t riding it.

 

[my mod]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying"congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear - MakesSense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting onthe porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from thewaist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone tosee!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?'he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. Thisis your grandma's idea.'

 

[green-horn]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

[green-horn]

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture

in Northern Minnesota, took a

lightning-quick kick from a cow...

right in his crotch. Writhing in

agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he

took himself to the doctor. He

said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm

going on my honeymoon next veek

and my fiance Lena, is still a

Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll

have to put your willy in a splint

to let it heal and keep it straight.

It should be okay next week, but

leave it on dere as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors and

formed a neat little 4 sided splint

and taped it all together...quite an

impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena,

married her and they went on their

honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped

open her blouse to reveal her beautiful,

untouched breasts. She said: “Olof..

you're the first vun! No vun has

EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants

and replied: “Look at dis Lena ...still in

DA CRATE!”

 

[snochuk]

Subject: Too good

Last Tuesday PrimeMinster Harper got off the helicopter in front of Parliament Buildings carryinga baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Mountie guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The Prime Minister replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs
.
Igot one for Minster of Defence, Peter MacKay, and I got one for Minsterof International Cooperation, Bev Oda."

The squared-away Mountie again snapped to attention, saluted and said,"Excellent trade, Sir."

 

[green-horn]

Now I've heard it all.
Three blonde guys were discussinring how stupid their wives were.
The first guy said "My wife is so stupid that she bought a side of frozen beef and we don't even have a freezer."
The second guy says " My wife is so stupid that she bought our daughter a car. Our daughter is only twelve!"
The third guy said "That's nothing! My wife is going to Tahiti with the girls. She packed a box of condoms and she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

[green-horn]

Walking into the bar, Duane said to Jack the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one
- just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Jack. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Duane replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-$hit."

 

[my mod]

Life islike a penis - simple,relaxed and hanging free . . ... ​

....it's women who make it hard !!​

 

[snochuk]

And now.... today'slife lesson:​

​

As I've grown older, I have learned that​

pleasing everyone is impossible, but​

pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!!​

 

[snochuk]

TheArrogance of Authority


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with anold rancher.
Hetold the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally growndrugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"
ashe pointed out thelocation.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authorityof the
FederalGovernment with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed hisbadge
and proudly displayed it to therancher.

"See this f@##$%g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to gowherever I wish....
Onany land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized,and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, andsaw the DEA officer running for his life,
beingchased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that
he'dsure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearlyterrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled atthe top of hislungs.....

(I just love thispart....)

​

​

"Your badge! Show him your f@#$%g BADGE....!!" ​

 

[snochuk]

While creating women, Godmade a promise to men,
thatgood and obedient wives would be found in all
cornersof the world.

Andthen she smiled and made the Earth round...!!!

 

[snochuk]

Baby Airplanes :

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawato Calgary .. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned tohis mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have babycats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flightattendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant thesame question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
"Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanesbecause WestJet always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that toyou."

 

[PINKalicious]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and
mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a
bunch
of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and
sad at
the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all
your friends."

 

[TonyM]

I can think of a few politicians that I would like to see "take a number!"

 

[Throttle*Queen]

Why don't women ever propose???



As soon as they get on their knees, men indie their zippers!! Lmao

 

[my mod]

'Five Horses' Is HerName.
This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful... ​

[h=3] [/h]
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...


[h=3] [/h]NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

 

[green-horn]

So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a clue.
I'm roaring, "You Paki bastard Learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you go back to your own country you smelly prick.
You know what the cheeky bugger did?

Stopped and said, "Get out of my taxi!"