Required: Sense of humor

[teamgreen]

1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." ​ "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. 21. Hope that at least ten of the puns make you laugh. No pun in ten did? ​

 

[snochuk]

A new teacher was trying to make use of herpsychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinksthey're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. Theteacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate tosee you standing there all by yourself!'

​

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mothersmoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'Tomake myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream witha tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

​

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't payingattention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

​

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field tripto their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletinboard of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to apicture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' saidthe policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larryasked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "< U>

​

Little Larry attended a horse auction with hisfather. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his handsup and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larryasked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'mbuying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shapebefore I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants tobuy Mom ..... '

 

[green-horn]

Politically Incorrect Humour
(1) I'm living next door to a radical Muslim couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.

(2) I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?

(3) I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

(4) Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

(5) There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

 

[green-horn]

Wife: Wake up! I think a burglar has broken into the house and is eating the left overs from dinner!

Husband: I'll call for an ambulance.

And then the fight started!

 

[green-horn]

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[green-horn]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It’s like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

This list didn't include my favourite...... "I Take Her Out Three Nights A Week But She Allways Finds Her Way Home".

 

[Bnorth]

I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local
Mosque. I was really enjoying myself.

Then the fawkin' rifle jammed! ...

 

[Bnorth]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

 

[green-horn]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time,
except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes,
who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.
It's good to see you here today.
Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.
How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person

can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived the buggers."

 

[green-horn]

What is a calorie?
Calories are the little buggers that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter...
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE CHITS.

 

[green-horn]

My new security sign;

DUE TO PRICE INCREASE ON AMMO
DO NOT EXPECT A WARNING SHOT!

 

[green-horn]

One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies bought just one ticket.'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Albertans.'Be watchin and learnin,' answered one of the Newfies.
All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.. The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,the three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan. 'Be watchin and learnin,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding.
The Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

 

[my mod]

Johnny's Back

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that Magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ch!t!" Then I would say, "It is dog ch!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth." ​ best Johnny joke for quite awhile.............

 

[my mod]

I was in a pub on saturday night, andhad a few. .. .

I noticed two rather large women by the bar.

They both had very strong accents so I asked, "Hey! By any chance are youtwo ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's Wales ya friggin' idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales fromScotland?"

That's the last thing I remember . . .

 

[green-horn]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS $hit won't get hard?!"

 

[green-horn]

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for theQueen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful buggers should remember fairies are female.....

 

[green-horn]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said,

"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that
much easier.

“Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over to her.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard, "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no ..." the bartender replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks, "I need to speak with him," she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck them. "What should I tell him?
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room"

°°° I am distacted driver °°°

 

[green-horn]

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.

The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?"

the Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where that is"

The Newfie says, " Well boy, you just drives north of there about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."

the Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "By gosh, I think you might be right. I works with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"

 

[green-horn]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,
'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'


If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.