Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid
off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton
panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and
finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80
a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend
and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the
panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep,
diesel fitter!"

 

[Bnorth]

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.



The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"



"Yeah?", says the hippie.



"Yeah!", say the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."



The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
Dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.



"I am God," he declares to the nun,
Keeping the hood low about his Face.
"Have sex with me."



The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.



'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes,
He jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.



"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"



"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

 

[green-horn]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

[green-horn]

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

[green-horn]

The Canadian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Canada today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Canada towards the Middle East. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Canadians who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.

 

[green-horn]

An elderly couple were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him.

They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 78.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out
of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."

 

[green-horn]

a man sat in his armchair & shouts to his wife,
"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you, love!"

she shouts back "you already do you lazy bastard !! "

 

[my mod]

Pervert phone call


The phone rings, and the wife answers.
>
> A pervert says, "I bet you have a tight c..nt
> with no hair?"
>
> Marge replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who
> shall I say is calling ?"

 

[my mod]

While examining his ladypatient, the doctor tells her:
"Your heart, lungs, pulseand blood pressure are fine.
Now let me see that littlething which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off herclothes.....

Doctor, stopping her:
"No! No! Please put onyour clothes.
Just show me your tongue."

 

[my mod]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if theyunderstood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "IfI sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" thechildren answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

 

[my mod]

A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury . 'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. He says 'You do Indian style?' 'No' she says. 'I pay you $200 do it Indian style' 'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is. 'I pay you $300' 'No', she says. 'I pay you $400' 'No', she says. So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. ​ I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?' So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. ​ Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?' The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government.'​

 

[my mod]

Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P N E S I People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

 

[my mod]

catholic shampoo

two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by thebeer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed itwould, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied,and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with asix-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" thenun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo."

without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulledout a package of large pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag withthe beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

 

[my mod]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

 

[Bnorth]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled - normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[Bnorth]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"


"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"


Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.


"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."


"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"


"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"


Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"


Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"


"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"


Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.


As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


"What are you doing Sister?"


"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."


"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"


"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."


"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be​

​

the main course!"


"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Sonof a Bitch."



On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an​

​

excellent meal.


The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.


The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"


The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fawkers are my kind of people!"​

​

 

[Bnorth]

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can Fawk off down to Hell' ' 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''




A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week. After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with $4.50.





The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.






Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad'' Dad said phuk me doesn't anyone in this Fawk'n family like Pussy. Daughter said ''I do''






A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.






The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you'' I said ''Yeah the fawk'n drain is blocked again''






Dear Abbie. I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?






In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's'' I said '' Sorry mate did he drown'' No he said '' he choked on a sock ''

 

[zeebs]

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you came from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as Lucky Johnny. "Why" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

 

[teamgreen]

Calories burnt during sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

Opening HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
With your Foot 1002 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

 

[teamgreen]

Recent Study:

Study shows that during sex you burn as much calories as running 8 miles..... Who the fack runs 8 miles in 30 seconds.