eclipse1966
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|
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
tripster
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Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel ch!t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no ch!t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel ch!t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no ch!t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse.
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her a-hole does when she has an orgasm."Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."
whitegold
Active VIP Member
| SIMPLE TRUTH #1 Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're been screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH #2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats." But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job." Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated. FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good. |
my mod
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Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HESAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HESAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"
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my mod
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A husbandtook his wife to a disco on the weekend.
There was aguy on the dance floor giving it stick - breakdancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.
The wifeturns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed tome and I turned him down."
Her husbandsays "Looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!!!
There was aguy on the dance floor giving it stick - breakdancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.
The wifeturns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed tome and I turned him down."
Her husbandsays "Looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!!!
A class of five-year old school children return to the classroomafter playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you
been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on
the blackboard, I will give you a cookie.''
Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.
The teacher then says,'Freddie, what have you been doing
In your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the
blackboard, I will also give you a cookie.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.
Teacher then says,'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing
In the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me
Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at Me,
calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket
In case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial
discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination'
I will give you a cookie.''
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you
been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on
the blackboard, I will give you a cookie.''
Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.
The teacher then says,'Freddie, what have you been doing
In your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the
blackboard, I will also give you a cookie.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.
Teacher then says,'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing
In the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me
Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at Me,
calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket
In case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial
discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination'
I will give you a cookie.''
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because....... she replied....... "I really miss mine"
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because....... she replied....... "I really miss mine"
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ferniesnow
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*The Naked Cowboy
**A Sheriff in a small town inWyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming towardhim with nothing on** but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests himfor indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks'Why in the world are you walking Around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's likethis Sheriff,** I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red headasks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off hertop and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt andasks me to pull off my pants.....So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties andasks me to pull off my shorts...So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looksat me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'
'And here I am.'
| There are only TWELVE times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. 1. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 2. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 3."You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 5."What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 7."Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 8."Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 9."What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 10. "Awe c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998 11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#%$ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002 And the winner is! 12. "I need a Navy SEAL in my house like I need a @#$%ing hole in my head." - Osama Bin Laden, 2011 |
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
The wife left a note on the fridge:
· "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.
WOMEN, who can understand them?
· "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.
WOMEN, who can understand them?
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?
Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.
Kinda brings a tear to me eye..it does!
and da lake had froze over.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?
Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.
Kinda brings a tear to me eye..it does!
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people are allowed to vote, get married and raise children!
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people are allowed to vote, get married and raise children!
my mod
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Too Much Nerve!!!
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of
this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful
death!"
So I turned around and replied,
"So now you want me to stay?"
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of
this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful
death!"
So I turned around and replied,
"So now you want me to stay?"
my mod
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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night whenI asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
ferniesnow
I'm doo-ing it!
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A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain
Summiteer
Active VIP Member
Why do Doctors smack babies on the azz after they are born?
To knock the dinks off the dumb ones.
To knock the dinks off the dumb ones.
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