Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.." ....

 

[Bnorth]

Two black guys are at a bar talking. One says to the other, " You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The other says, "Why is that?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

 

[Bnorth]

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.[/FONT]
He said, "What are you doing father?"

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]"It's called masturbating,” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied. [/FONT]

 

[Bnorth]

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.



"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"



She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."



Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"



She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."



"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"



"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."



Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,





"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

[Bnorth]

Redneck Logic, TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

---

​

​

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
2.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
3.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
4.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
5.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
6.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
7.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

[Bnorth]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the Charity shop to get all of her clothes
back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Jamaicans is not the correct
answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said
"Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn,
you sick bastard."
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

[Bnorth]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the U of A Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the provinces.
Finally a Ukrainian in Vegreville was located who had a similar blood type. The Ukrainian willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ukrainian as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & thousands of Ukrainian Hryvnia.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ukrainian who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ukrainian a thank-you card & a jar of pickles. The Ukrainian was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of pickles".

To this the Arab replied: "Tak, but I now have Ukrainian blood in veins.”

 

[my mod]

You, who worry aboutConservatives versus liberals -- relax, here is our real problem.


In a Toronto University classroom, they were discussing thequalifications to be the Prime Minister of Canada.
It was pretty simple: the candidate must be a natural born citizenof at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfairwas the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented manycapable individuals from becoming Prime Minister.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jawshit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes anatural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born byC-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in ourlast election!

 

[eclipse1966]

Nasa’s robot curiosity landed on mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

 

[my mod]

Gotta watch offers that "sounds too good to be true....."
EBAY Scam
Be careful what you purchase on eBay ~
Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said 'CAUTION..don't use in the sunlight.'

 

[winterax]

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit s**t. One of the boys said: "What is that?""'They're smart pills," said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."So he ate them and said: "These taste like s**t.""See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."

 

[Ron H]

 

[winterax]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"



Read more: Random Jokes of The Day - ROCK103.com

 

[snochuk]

Twolittle kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waitingoutside the Operating Room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you inhere for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get mytonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when Iwas four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots ofJello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy. I had that donewhen I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year!'

 

[Summitric]

[h=1]Trade 2011 crossfire 800 for wife[/h]

Watch | Share | Print | Report Ad

View larger image Date Listed 20-Aug-12 Last Edited 20-Aug-12 Price Swap / Trade Address Saskatoon, SK, Canada For Sale By Owner Year 2011 Kilometers 1200 Engine Displacement (cc) 800 Colour Green Willin to trade 2011 crossfire 800 sno pro for wife. Sled is mint and only has 1200 miles. I tried to get a mail order bride but couldn't afford one so hoping to find one locally I can trade my sled for. I'm not shallow and do not mind if she's bigger or Older. I'm 21 years old. Since I'm a can't ride muh I figure I might as well find someone who could cook and clean and produce for me. Please call Travis at 827-7402 with a description. Maybe some of you men can trade your headache for a kickass sled and I can finally get some. Thanks

 

[underdog]

[h=1]Trade 2011 crossfire 800 for wife[/h]

Watch | Share | Print | Report Ad

View larger image Date Listed 20-Aug-12 Last Edited 20-Aug-12 Price Swap / Trade Address Saskatoon, SK, Canada For Sale By Owner Year 2011 Kilometers 1200 Engine Displacement (cc) 800 Colour Green Willin to trade 2011 crossfire 800 sno pro for wife. Sled is mint and only has 1200 miles. I tried to get a mail order bride but couldn't afford one so hoping to find one locally I can trade my sled for. I'm not shallow and do not mind if she's bigger or Older. I'm 21 years old. Since I'm a can't ride muh I figure I might as well find someone who could cook and clean and produce for me. Please call Travis at 827-7402 with a description. Maybe some of you men can trade your headache for a kickass sled and I can finally get some. Thanks

Lmao!

 

[polarice]

A former Infantry Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a
new job as a school teacher.

Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to
wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit
under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any
pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window
wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took
a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

 

[Trashy]

THE RAISE
Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?
Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.
Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[winterax]

Top Ten Slogans for Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Best Blow Job In Town'
1. "You can't recall a better tire."

 

[my mod]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it wasamazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted hermother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really thatserious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should thinkwe
can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the oppositiondoesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the Britishcrew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so wellis
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his ballsand kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"