Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served ?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste ! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy !'


The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bulls win !!!

 

[Bnorth]

An Irish man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[Bnorth]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

[Bnorth]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

 

[zeebs]

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Little Johnny.

Knowing Little Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables."

Not wanting to be outdone, Little Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Little Johnny proudly says, "Mas-tur-ba-tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

 

[shan]

This Sign is Too Funny for Andy - YouTube

 

[green-horn]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...
You must be a POLITICIAN'

 

[green-horn]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?”
Slightly concerned, the mother said, "Why, yes! Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?”

 

[green-horn]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He is sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick Me UP." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes,
I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

 

[green-horn]

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover,
while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house
in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed.
The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact, she was
willing to pay up to $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady
to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus.
The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave
me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."

 

[green-horn]

This site is best used while sitting at desk, surrounded by others. Try not to laugh.

 

[Summiteer]

I found this amusing.

 

[my mod]

Cool puns

I changed my iPod name to Titanic It's syncing now ..
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holywater? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in NewYork 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used t think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[Mike270412]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that.. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

[Bnorth]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

 

[Bnorth]

There are three women , the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off.
The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says " Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says,
"becasue my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex.
So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says
" Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes
to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says
" you have an imprint of a M on your chest, Let me guess, your bofriend goes to Michigan?"
And she says "no,but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin

 

[Bnorth]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.​

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One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!​

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The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.​

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[~Rowdy~]

 

[CamoYammy-123]

True story told to me last week by a friend.
Friend is an avid hunter, his entire family has been for generations. He married a girl who has a " thing " about not eating Bambi. When their 4 year old daughter started showing a lot of interest in dads hunting and accompanied him on a deer hunt then returned home to tell mom about what a great time she'd had and about the nice doe that dad shot, well mom got all upset and told dad " thats it I'm getting her the movie of Bambi to watch and she'll change her mind". So off mom went to the video mart and returns with the movie. She gets daughter to watch movie and at supper that evening casually brings up the movie. "What did you think of the movie?" " I liked it" "What do you think happened to Bambis' mom?" " I guess the hunters got her" " And what did you think about that?" The sweet child pondered for a moment and then replied " I guess she'll make good meat"
Mom no longer tries to discourage daughter from hunting with dad knowing that it is futile.
Not the same kind of funny as your jokes but tickles my twisted sense of humor .

That was my childhood right there!! All my friends would call me the "Bambi" killer haha then I told them that I was saving there lives... Then they would ask how?? I replied by explaining to them that everytime I hunt one, there is one less deer to pop out of no where and cause a horrible car accident!! They would so ohhhh... I guess haha

 

[Bnorth]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."