Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,
she asked him, “Ole, you alvaystell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn’t sure how tick theice vas yet.”

 

[kbrunlees]

That was bad.

 

[my mod]

CRISCO..............

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarketcalling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, theCrisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cookingstuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her thatwhen we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'

 

[green-horn]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

[green-horn]

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

 

[green-horn]

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

 

[green-horn]

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

 

[green-horn]

Some bugger just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs
back.

 

[eclipse1966]

The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair With his secretary. One day they went to her place And made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed And told his lover to take his shoes Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters But always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time For the son they always wanted The wife got pregnant And delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery To see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child He had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can Be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, About to be cremated, And made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated With such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, Stuffed it into his briefcase, And took it home. 'I have something to show You won't believe,' he said to his wife, Opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover When she heard her husband Opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, Then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it So I got one for us, too.' No more was said, Not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, Went to the kitchen and returned With a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths And nobody offered me a fukkin thing.' The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.' The 6th & Best Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, Her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[eclipse1966]

Breaking news for followers of the motor industry.



Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, they have designed the Clitaurus.
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.


__._,_.___

 

[green-horn]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."


The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."


They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken farmer it is.."

 

[eclipse1966]

Hard to argue with this logic.... Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say "It might be nice to have another kick in the nuts." ​ ​

​

 

[RMK Junky]

WildRose Party has to redecal their bus because it's misleading the voters. Their actually not that big

 

[kbrunlees]

of course it would be much funnier if they had added a matching hup cap and added a viking helmet, tee hee. after I posted my wife said they should also add tassels to the hubcaps. ROFLMFAO

 

[snochuk]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my ownbusiness, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loudMuslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag ducttaped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spraypainted on the side, stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praisedAllah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru theintersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killingeveryone in the car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

" Man... that could have been me !" Sotoday; bright and early,

I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

[eclipse1966]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share
his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200
million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three months later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[green-horn]

A man in a Florida Supermarket tries to buy a half a head Of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they only
Sell whole heads.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room the boy says to the manager, "Some a-hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce..." As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds "...and THIS gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, Sir," replied the boy.
"Well why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," said the boy.
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife is from Canada "
"No ch!t!" said the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

 

[green-horn]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[green-horn]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there

Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

[~Rowdy~]

lmao