Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

[Bnorth]

I returned home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight
While en route home I ask the cabby if he would be a witness
I suspected my wife of having an affair and want to catch her in the act
For $100, the cabby agrees
Quietly arriving home, the cabby and I tip toe into the bedroom
I switched on the lights, yank the blanket back and there is my wife in
bed with another man!
Irate, I put a gun to the naked man's head
My wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Patriots and Red Sox season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your motorcycle.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking my head from side-to-side, I lowered the gun, look over at the cabby and say, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[CatRyder88]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk when I should be checkin wells!

 

[CatRyder88]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk when I should be checkin wells!

 

[eclipse1966]

THE STUTTERING KITTEN - FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW....




A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'ch!t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room!












​

 

[Bnorth]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?
'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.'

 

[Bnorth]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[Bnorth]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

[sledslut]

my buddy maid this video.. its actually quite good.. and well for all the Justin Bieber haters its funny

Justin Bieber - One Time (PARODY) - YouTube

 

[green-horn]

The Arab and the Scotsman


An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

 

[green-horn]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

[green-horn]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT?

TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.

These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than

the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run

away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator),

decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty

thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!!

Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed

and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of

rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly

confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two

geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps,

drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... 'I can't

believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...

In case you are wondering...The dog is okay.

Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..

AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND?

 

[Bnorth]

A British Columbia Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Vancouver .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.


'$100,' she replies.


He says 'You do Indian style?'


'No' she says.


'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.


'I pay you $300'


'No', she says.


'I pay you $400'


'No', she says.


So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'


She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'


So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.
​

​

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'


The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government.'​

​

 

[green-horn]

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else........my parents taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate!!

 

[green-horn]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said," Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,"Well I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want..!" The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

 

[green-horn]

My wife says to me the other night,

how come we don't make love like they do in the movies?

So I bent her over the table, smacked her on the a$$,

grabbed her by the hair,

did her hard and then came on her face.

Turns out,,,,, we don't watch the same movies.

 

[green-horn]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to New York .

I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

 

[green-horn]

A Simple Misunderstanding
My neighbours, two cute young lesbians who live next door,

asked me what I would like for Father's Day.


I was quite surprised,when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure they
misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch"

 

[green-horn]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

[my mod]

An Arabenters a taxi in New York...

Once heis seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hearmusic as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was nomusic, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly noradio ........

So thecab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the backdoor.

The Arabasks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabbyanswers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get the f*** outand wait for a camel.”