Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

 

[polarice]

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and furt! her embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

 

[polarice]

At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[polarice]

Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel", replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

 

[polarice]

Gold Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

 

[cbsharp]

All right class today we are going to use the word definitely in a sentence, Roberta

Ugh the sky is definitely blue.

Now roberta sometimes its dark at night and the sky is black and grey when overcast so the sky is not definitely blue, Edward

Umm, the grass is definitely green.

No IÂ’m sorry edward sometimes the grass is dead and its brown, the grass isnÂ’t definitely green

Dirty johnny stands up in the back. Yo teach is it all right if I ask a question first? She says go-ahead son. When you break wind does it ever have lumps in it? She says heavens no. Then I definitely **** my pants!

 

[cbsharp]

What's the difference between santa claus and a bartender?

Santa only has to look at eight a**holes

 

[green-horn]

THE THREE CONTRACTORS
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Ottawa house:
One is from Vancouver, another is from Toronto and the third, is from
St. John's, NFLD . All three go with a Government official to examine
the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."
The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me.
"The NFLD contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did You come up with such a high figure?"
The NFLD contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how
government contracting works everywhere.

 

[green-horn]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.


3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

 

[green-horn]

A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning
to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Up North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun,
and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off
the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off
the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles,
and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[green-horn]

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!
-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print
than women can; women can hear better.

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

Coca-Cola was originally green.

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The State with the highest percentage of people
who walk to work:


Alaska

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:

28%

(now get this...)

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The percentage of North America that is
wilderness:

38%

--------------- ------ --------- --------- --------- ---------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to
the age of eleven:

$16,400

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The average number of people airborne over the
U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper
in their hair.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter,
Tom Sawyer.

-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person
died because of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.

------ --- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles
Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. Half of all Americans live within
50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
the most popular boat name requested?



A. Obsession

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would
you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?



A. One thousand

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers have
in common?



A. All were invented by women.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
any other day of the year?



A. Father's Day


--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the
ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...
'Goodnight , sleep tight'

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was
called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old England , when customers got unruly,
the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

At least 75% of people who read this will
try to lick their elbow!

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards
in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk
next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which

you didn't even have the first 20 or 30
(maybe even 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was
no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

[Bnorth]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles . One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?"
Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews." Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."
The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE. All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

 

[Bnorth]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,..... but all men...are men!

 

[Bnorth]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,


"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

 

[my mod]

There was a man who lostone of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had lovedto play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator andwent to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I stillhave one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skippingdown the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how gladhe was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and wasgoing to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said heknew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.

My balls itch.

 

[my mod]

It was a hot evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The damn dance is called the Twist!

 

[RMK Junky]

Couldn't resist this one

 

[PINKalicious]

Couldn't resist this one

Baaahhhh that is funny.

 

[kidder17]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me.An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[snochuk]

Subject:Fw: Fw: Joining theArmy

> A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He
> went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps
> from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
> from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father thenews.
> "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
>
> "Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "Wegot up in the
> plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
> About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'
>
> "Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
>
> "Uh., no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a timeand
> throw them out the door."
> "Did you jump then?" asked his father.
> "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the lastman
> left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
> He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
> "So, did you jump?"
> "No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto thedoor
> and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master
> is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to
> me, "Are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No sir, I'm tooscared." So the
> Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. Iswear,dad,
> it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He
> said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this littlebaby
> up your ars."
> "So, did you jump?" asked his father.
> "Well, a little, at first"